The perpetual dilema

I have a feeling this (long-overdue) post will be kind of all over the place, just bear with me. It'll make sense in the end...hopefully...probably...no, hopefully.

It's been almost a year since the day that changed my life.  I know that sounds way dramatic but it's true.  It was the first time I was able to face a boy I liked..er, loved...and told him how I felt. Just let it all hang out.  And I went from there.  He took it well, better than I expected but not ideally.  Whatever.  I'm fine with it in the long-run.  Doing that really gave me such a confidence boost.  I proved to myself that I was not only stronger than I gave myself credit for, but also that it was possible for guys to see me that way.  I wasn't just some girl that was always crushing on someone else- although it still feels like that sometimes.

Which brings me to the reason for this post: I'm at that fork in the road again.  There's another guy (although this one's so much better for a number of reasons I won't get into, because that'd be a whole other post) and- dare I say it- I think I love him.  It's enough that I see him every Friday night and if not, definitely once a week (he lives 30 minutes away from my city, so it's not so easy) but we also talk or somehow communicate every single day.  His friends who live in the same city as he are even jealous of me, oddly enough...they say I obviously have more points with him since he's always hanging out with me and I'm from out of town.  Then there are the parents- he's met my parents (he LOVES my dad) and I've met his momma a few times.  We've all even gone to church together and then to lunch after (THAT was just.. <3).  And to top it all off, he keeps saying he wants to settle down and have kids already; partying doesn't appeal to him anymore.  We're basically friends- with no benefits- but still friends, good friends...maybe even best friends.  Other than the whole liking him thing, there's really nothing I don't tell him and vice-versa.

But then I wonder if I'm just reading into all this too much.  Am I making it what I want it to be in my head?  Would letting everything hang out again be worth the risk?  I've talked to my parents about it and even one of my mom's friends- they all think he does like me but are they saying that because they're "on my side"?  Is it worth the risk?  Is it worth making things awkward with my best friend?  Is it bad that I want to leave it as it is for now and worry about all this later?

Twirting..?

I'm getting predictable. My blog posts are always about one of three things: boys, Josh Groban or makeup. Not always in that order, but you get it.

Anywho, I've decided to finally come clean about something.

I'm over him.  There, I said it.  I guess I really did have to tell him either way.  We're still friends and all but there's just nothing there anymore.  And in retrospect, I think it's best that I don't have any feelings other than platonic for him.  As much as I know there's a good side to him, I'm finally woman enough to admit to myself that I can't fix him unless he wants to be fixed.  And he obviously doesn't want that.  That's why I'm afraid he's going to be alone for a long while.  But that's another story.

On the other hand, there's a new boy in the picture.  I met him about a year and half ago but we never really talked or got to know each other at all.  All I knew was that he was an acquaintance's best friend.  Then, right before I left for San Antonio for the Josh concert, there was a party at a mutual friend's house and we started talking.  I knew he had a Twitter account so I brought that up and made small talk.  He looked at my tweets on his phone and remembered I was going to a JG concert soon after and he brought up how he's a big fan and how he was totally jealous of my second row seats.  Now we tweet and text each other all the time (if you look at my timeline on Twitter, you'll see them.  His account is not private so you can even see his tweets to me, if that tickles your fancy).  Sometimes we're just having a conversation, other times it seems a little flirty...!

But what I really like the most is that he's like me enough to really get along and different enough to sort of balance each other out.  I don't feel pressured to be or act a certain way to fit into a certain niche.  I can be 100% myself and we can still enjoy each other's company.  That's something I rarely felt with the last boy.  We've even played house one time.  And NO, it's not what you're thinking.  We spent the night at a mutual friend's house with another friend one night; he made dinner and I made breakfast.  Hoooow cuuuttee..  :P

We'll see where this goes- I'm not too invested (yet) so I wouldn't be completely heartbroken if it went nowhere- but I just thought I'd let you all know about the situation (and that he has a Twitter, so no boy talk on there anymore..)

What do y'all think?

P.S.  5 weeks and 5 days!

Aha

The moment Oprah announced the 25th season would be their last, I knew I'd be learning a lot through the season.  I always learned something out of her shows but this last season would be something special.  And it was.  I don't think there's ever been anything or anyone to make me think so much, make me cry so much, make me want to be a better, more productive person.  So, needless to say, when the season finally ended, I was sad.  I still am.  I just can't imagine my afternoons without hearing her say something that I needed to hear.

Once thing that have influenced me for a long time end, I become a little obsessed over them.  Not in an unhealthy way, I just want to remember it for as long as possible and get every bit of good out of them as possible.  The Oprah Show was no exception.  So when I saw O Magazine at Walmart, I had to get it.  The June issue has her smiling and waving with the words "For the joy, the laughs, the lessons, the adventure of a lifetime...thank you!" across the picture.  Reading them, I could only feel like I should say the same thing back.

As soon as I got home, I poured over the articles.  At first I was fascinated with some makeover before and after pictures of the show's producers- nothing out of the ordinary for me, but then I saw an article about Laura Linney's "aha! moment."  She wrote about her dating experience(s) and finding what really makes a man.  Interesting, can't be bad, I thought.  She told a story about how she was attracted to and was in a relationship an attractive, athletic, intelligent man with a charismatic and commanding personality.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, thought so.  I kept reading.  

          "But one day, when we were out hiking the Appalachian Trail, we came across a mother whose child had fallen and scraped his knee.  They were both scared and panicking, practically in tears.  As we approached them, my date kept saying, 'They're fine.  They're fine.'  When he wouldn't stop to help, my heart just sank.  I thought, I don't want to kiss this man anymore.  

          That experience wasn't the first or last time a boyfriend didn't meet my expectations.  But I never made the connection between my own choices and these disappointments until I was sitting in my bathtub, where I do my best thinking, worrying about a good friend who was going through a difficult breakup.  Her ex was attractive and suave, everything about him seemed perfect, but he broke her heart in a reckless, uncaring way.  Suddenly it hit me: Charisma is not character.  A magnetic personality doesn't necessarily indicate a good heart.  I'd always assumed they went hand in hand.

          It was easy and natural for me -- especially in my youth -- to overvalue a light-up-the-room personality.  But now I realize I can't expect a friendship or romance to flourish if the person hadn't demonstrated strong character.  Traits like humility, courage, and empathy are easily overlooked -- but it's immensely important to find them in your closest relationships.  Perhaps my best proof of this is how I fell in love with my husband.  Early on in our relationship, I observed how special his friendships were to him.  When he saw any of his friends, he'd embrace them in a big bear hug.  I could see why: He was caring, dedicated, and generous with them.  I thought, This is a profoundly good sign.  And I was right."

Now, obviously I'm not saying you-know-who is heartless or hates children or anything like that; I know for a fact that he does, indeed, have a good heart, but it's the fact that he isn't exactly one to wear said heart on his sleeve, basically scared to show it, that worries me.  It's always worried me, actually.  To most people, he's standoffish, some would call him an a**hole.  But even with that and a few other negative things, I kept interest in him because there was and is something magnetic, exciting, intriguing about him.  Doesn't hurt that he's not bad on the eyes at all.

Until reading this article, it hadn't hit me that charisma is not character.  It was definitely the best AHA! moment I could've asked for at the perfect time.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I guess this whole ordeal was to teach me that one little sentence: charisma is not character.

Dear Josh

Getting to the AT&T Center five days ago had my head spinning.  I was about to finally see the one singer I'd followed for most of my teen years and all of my adult years so far in person!  It was truly the climax to my life as a Grobanite.

I knew I hadn't won the Meet and Greet with Josh, himself but sort of knowing the kind of person Josh is, I knew there was always a chance that he'd pop in on the VIP M&G.  You just never know with him.  He's that nice.  In the car on the way from the hotel to the arena, I was thinking about this and wondered what I would do, what I would say, how I would react if something like that happened.

And guess what- I couldn't think of a single thing to ask him.  Trivial questions like "what's your favorite color?" or "do you write your own tweets?" (which was one of the questions he answered at the concert) were all I could come up with and I knew the answer to all of them.  Call me a stalker, faithful fan, whatever you want.

The only alternative, however, was telling him something, not asking him anything.  I came up with a little speech that would probably fail me if I really met him but it was worth a try to have just in case:

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your voice with the world.  I know that sounds corny and generic but without you, I honestly don't know where I would be, what state of mind I'd be in.  The words of your songs and the emotion of your voice has kept me from feeling worthless and unloved.  Your music has brought me alive and kept me vibrant.  And through your online community, I've met some of the best people I know and because of them I'd had some of the best laugh-out-loud and heart warming moments of my life.  You've done more than you will ever realize and for that, I am forever grateful.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

                                                                            

One other thing (for Savanna)

So I just got a DM from Savanna (from the Josh episode of Oprah) about getting a link to my blog.  As I was typing it up, I remembered that I'd forgotten something that should've gone in the concert blog post.  So here it is.

After one of the AT&T center employees took us Gold and Silver package holders from the box office and began to lead us to "the VIP room," we all got in an elevator since it was a big elevator and only about 20 people so far.  My sisters and I had been talking to Kristal- the girl that was in front of us in line and the girl who we'd end up sitting right behind for the actual concert- and the subject of making friends online came up.  She said she'd only really talked to one girl from Canada and I told her about my MC girls.

And then I remembered Savanna.  Since that Oprah episode aired, we'd been chatting on Twitter ever so often and occasionally on Facebook.  I asked Kristal if she'd seen that episode while in the elevator with about 18 other Grobies, forgetting I was in the presence of said Grobies, and although Kristal said she hadn't seen it, I suddenly sensed all eyes on me.  No one said anything but I could tell they all wanted to know everything I was talking about, everything I'd ever discussed with Savanna.  I mean, I can't blame them...she HAS been serenaded by THE Josh!

That's something I couldn't wrap my brain around: the fact that people knew everything I knew about Josh, possibly more, let alone heard of the guy.

So yes, I've talking to Savanna...we're- dare I say it- friends.

There you have it, Savanna.  People were jealous I'd become friends with you.  Own it.  Love it.

:)

Straight to Me

Last night HAS to be one of the best nights of my life.  Some might think that that means I've lived a sad little life but YOU all know it doesn't mean that at all.  So let me start at the beginning...

I woke up at 6.  Showered, did my hair, makeup, the whole she-bang.  I finished packing and packed up the car.  We aimed to leave the house at 9:00 at the latest but that didn't happen.  We ended up leaving around 9:40 and stopped right away at a dollar store to get some glow sticks because some ladies on FOJG were talking about having glow pens but I thought that was kinda dumb..might as well get full-on glow sticks.  So after that, we finally hit the road.  I was tweeting most of the way up.  I lasted a good 2.5 hours until I fell asleep (I'd only had 3 hours of sleep...I was too excited).  

Once I woke up, we were just outside of San Antonio.  Our first stop was at the Hard Rock Cafe on the Riverwalk.  Like I said, I'd been tweeting most of the way up, so naturally I tweeted when we got to the restaurant, "Eating lunch at Hard Rock, keeping my eyes peeled for a certain curly-haired singer" when I got an @ reply from a friend saying he'd been spotted at the Rainforest Cafe only about a block down from where I was.  My friend, Manny, has a frat brother who works at the Rainforest Cafe and had let Manny know that Josh had been there about an hour earlier.  My parents were ready to leave Hard Rock and go to Rainforest but I told them that it'd been an hour before and Josh was probably already gone, that'd it be no use.  So we ordered and ate and then left to check in at the hotel.  

We stayed at the Hyatt since my dad gets a government workers discount (yay) but I really got a kick out of the fact that it's literally right next to the hotel Elew was staying at- he twitpic'd a picture of his view and I knew exactly where he was.  I still don't know if Josh was staying there too; I should've asked Darren.

We finally got the keys to the rooms and freshened up a bit.  I recurled some flat pieces of my hair and touched up the makeup and off we went to the AT&T center!  I couldn't hold still for a moment on the way to the arena.  I'd been waiting FIVE long years to be at this point and I didn't know if I was going to be able to hold it together.  Finally, we got to the box office where we were to pick up the tickets by showing the receipt and there, of course, was a line of obvious Grobies.  Tons of white-haired ladies in their Reebox and FOJG shirts were towards the front of the line and then there were a few youngish couples and then there were my sisters and I.  I wasn't sure if we were in the right line, so I asked the girl in front of us what the line was for.  She said it was for Silver and Gold hot ticket packages.  Done.  We were in the right place!  

We stood there and talked to the girl in front of us for a while.  Her name was/is Kristal, she's from SA and my age..only with a fiance and a baby.  We giggled about being "young" by Grobie standards but that we'd totally win Josh over before those old ladies did.  The line started to move and we got our tickets, a raffle ticket and a silver wristband for VIP.  We waited until everyone in line had their wristbands and tickets and then they took us to the VIP room on the 2nd floor.  As we walked in, we could hear piano tinkering and I couldn't tell if it was Elew or Mark or Josh but I like to think it was Josh.  :)  The hosts handed out tote bags, each with a reusable water bottle and a VIP pass on a lanyard which didn't really mean anything but we wore them excitedly anyway.  There was a nice little spread of food- veggies and dip, spring rolls, beef and chicken skewers, cookies, brownies, sodas and bottles of water.  There was also a cash bar but since alcohol makes me pee, I didn't want to risk it and I didn't have anything stronger than water.  We talked more with Kristal and I asked her if she knew anyone on the message boards/FOJG.  She said she occasionally talks to one girl from Canada but that's it so I told her about the MC and how we get together at least once a year.  She said she'd look for us...so I guess that means we should start posting again!

Having finished our food, we asked where the merch table was so we could beat the general admission crowd to it.  We had to go down a floor but it wasn't far so off we went.  The guy behind the table who helped me was kinda cute and we struck up a conversation about Josh's songs.  He said he wanted Josh to sing the song from Troy ("Remember" ..I might've been too quick to name it, haha!) because it's "epic."  I asked him about programs but he said they didn't get any but that they might have them for later dates.  Hopefully by the Philly concert!  We finished up buying stuff and went back to the room where the rest of the VIP people were.  They'd started the raffle but the prizes were the same thing I'd just bought so I wasn't really hoping I'd win anything and I wasn't disappointed when I didn't.  It was about an hour before show time, so we went down to the entrance level to start finding our seats.  Once we were seated, I twitpic'd a picture of my view of the stage and was starting to freak out a little.  It ended up really cool because Kristal was literally right in front of me so we kept talking.

Right at 7:30, Elew came out and began his songs.  He totally beats Josh when it comes to O faces.  This guy has it down but you can tell he's so into the music that it doesn't even matter.  By the end of his set, he was dripping in sweat and he'd only been on for 30 minutes.  

After that, there was in intermission and immediately, the crew wheeled Elew's piano off the stage and brought on a covered piano, a third set of drums and a mic stand- the one I knew that would get fondled lovingly.  Later, once everything was in place, they uncovered the piano and it was SHINY.  So shiny.  Shinier than my face on a hot summer day.  

It looked like the action was slowing down and they were just waiting for 8:30 to come so Josh could make his appearance but then I saw him.  A certain familiar face in black bossing the AT&T center security around.  DARREN!  Mind you, both my sisters and Kristal had gone to the bathroom so I was there by myself with no one to freak out to.  This was me: OMG!!!!!OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGMOGMGG!! sejfuhdifjolkjdjfiokefiorghwoerOMG!  I was tempted to get up and talk to him but there wasn't anyone to guard the purses and he was already being swarmed by Grobies.  Most of them seemed like they'd talked to him before but a few were taking pictures.  A few minutes later, the girls came back and I told them all about the situation.  Ana immediately said "You HAVE to take a picture with him!" and made me get up to do so.  I just didn't want to be another possibly annoying fan, you know?  But we ended up talking to him, Ana did most of the talking because I was a little starstruck but he was super nice and personable.  He asked us where we were from, said he knew some people from Brownsville, said it was "a rockin' city" and Ana joked that he should take Josh there.  I asked if I could take a picture with him and he asked "with ME?" as if he was surprised.  I know people ask him for pictures all the time but he's just a humble guy.  My sisters asked if he was married because he's handsome and nice..haha.  Yes, I said..I've seen a wedding ring before.  (By the way, I Googled him- yeah, get over it- and the guy's a total badass!!) <-- click the link!

Once that calmed down and we went back to our seats, we heard a lady talking about lunch on the Riverwalk and bumping into Josh so I asked her about it.  (It's kinda weird to go from having to explain WHO Josh is and what he does to being in a HUGE crowd of people who know just as much about him as I do.)  She said that yes, she went to a Grobie M&G lunch that had been planned on the FOJG boards and while they were eating, she just looked up and "there he was with Sweeney and his girlfriend!"  Mind you, she said it with a smile on her face.  

Isn't that like rules #1 and 2?  Never tell a single Grobie that you saw Josh with a possibly lady friend and never say that with a smile on your face???  BUZZ KILL.  With that, I suddenly lost all my excitement.  It was just gone.  Not that I was really thinking I had/have a chance with Josh or anything but still...come on, let me dream a little!  I asked her what the girl looked like, thinking it might've been Sam but she said it wasn't Sam OR Gail for sure.  Ana asked if she got pictures, meaning of Josh and Sweeney- totally not caring about this girl and the lady was offended that she even asked, thinking Ana meant of the girl, "we never post pictures of dates!"  Ugh, what a bitch.  I kept thinking about it and came to the conclusion that there was no way of knowing it was his GF..could be a friend for all we know.  Josh, himself, said at the concert that walking around on the Riverwalk made him bump into a lot of people he knows and people who know him.  Maybe she was one of those.

(Pics I found on FOJG.  I was literally a level above,  a block away and an hour late!)

Aaanyway, so there were two older ladies sitting behind us and I started talking to them, too.  They said we'll know when they're starting because the musicians come out and start playing Straight To You and then Josh will come out on the little stage in the middle of the arena.  Soon, exactly that happened.  I felt like I was ruining it for the people behind me by turning around before the musicians were done but whatever!  Josh came out and it was AAAAMMMMAAAZING! I couldn't believe he was real, that the situation was real.  I knew he was real, that he was an actual person but I just couldn't get it through my head that he was right in the same room as I was.  He sang Changing Colors, some other song I can't think of- Feb. Song, I think and then You Are Loved as he walked to the main stage- WHERE HE WAS EVEN CLOSER TO ME! UGH, I could've died right there and been fine with it.

The concert was kind of a blur as I was trying to get over the fact that he was real and REALLY close to me but a few songs really stuck out to me- Higher Window (which I totally moaned in anticipation REALLY loudly, making the two ladies behind us laugh) and Alla Luce.  They were amazing performances and ugh, he just could not have been better.  You really have to see him perform to really understand that.  Especially on Alla Luce, it's like someone edited the best videos of his performances together to make one mega good performance.  I was in awe.  

Another thing that happened was that he almost fell on stage.  He'd gone down to the side stairs to sing War at Home and was going back up to the main stage and tripped over one step.  Thankfully he caught himself but he smiled and probably wondered if we noticed.  YEP!  I felt like I'd been staring at him too hard and made it happen..  haha!

Later in the show, I noticed the girls sitting to our left were taking talent pictures but I'm not sure if they were aiming for crotch or his pocket.  Earlier, someone just off the little stage in the middle of the arena had given him a condom and he'd stuck it in his pocket. Well, his jeans were so tight that you could see the outline of the circle.  

I hope(d) it didn't make him think badly of us collectively.  He said we were gropey/grabby and we were the only show so far to not get a post-show tweet.  And then on top of it all, some girl toward the end of the show got as close to the stage as possible and handed him a sharpie and her ticket.  He looked at her and went, "Really?" seriously not amused, "I'm tired and we need to wrap this up.  Alright, I'll sign your ticket."  There's always one who has to ruin it for the rest. 

The last song he did was YRMU.  I was kinda dreading it because it WAS that song.  I don't even have it saved in any way on my computer, I knew I would prefer anything more but I LOVED IT.  He had us sing along for the last chorus and we were waving glow sticks and it was amazing!  I'd never enjoyed that song so much than I did then.

I never really believed people when they said he was better in concert until last night.  I mean, I assumed it'd be an experience I'd never forget but I didn't realize how in awe I'd be.  No wonder people follow him for dates after dates!  Sounds really corny but he really does have a gift that isn't really appreciated until you hear it in person.  I'm not even sure he realizes that.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL JULY 29TH!!  

It's gonna be a partaaayy!!

P.S.  We totally HAVE to find out where the busses are going to be after the show.  I missed my chance with this show so I can't miss the next.  Found more pics on FOJG:

The lady in black next to the one in light green was sitting next to me throughout the concert.  She's the one who refused to say where the busses were.)

And now we know what the busses look like!

Deep breaths: part 2

It's been three days since the big bomb-dropping and for the anxiety I experienced leading up to THE moment, I think I'm holding up pretty well.

Every time I think about Monday night (April 25th, the perfect date! ..for you Miss Congeniality fans), I can't help but get butterflies.  He's one of the few people boys I've actually been interested in to really listen to me, ask me for advice and actually take the advice.  Now, I'm not saying that that's what I want- for a guy to give me all the attention in the world (although a moment of that wouldn't be bad)- but it shows that he not only cares about me, but wants to know what I think.  Isn't that what girls complain about all the time, about their boys not caring what they think?

Considering the extreme negative reactions that could've happened, I think it went well, very well.  The only way it could've gone better was for the feelings to be mutual but I knew the chances were slim.  However, you have to really understand what he was like in high school.  I don't know how or why I was so infatuated with him during the high school years, but compared to that boy, he's a man now.  Sure he still has some occasional d-bag comments; the boy's not perfect, but he knows what he wants, what others need and does his best to meet those needs and wants.

Which is what brings me to the "raising twins" analogy he gave.  Again, you'd have to really know him to get that but I'll do my best to explain.  People who don't know him really well, even "good" friends only see the d-bag part of him.  He seems snooty, stuck up and heartless.  But there's much, much more to him.  It's a part he's hesitant to share because when he was younger, he was really close to his grandmother and then she suddenly died.  Since then, he only shows his true self to very, very few people.  He hates crying or showing any kind of real emotion in front of most people.  Even explaining why he wasn't completely ready for a real relationship to me the other night, got him a little misty-eyed.  Guess I'm not "most people."

Tuesday night, almost exactly 24 hours since the bomb-dropping, he texted me.  This was a huge relief to me.  You seriously have no idea.  I was worried that although he said it wouldn't be awkward that he'd hesitate to call or text, that it wouldn't be a complete shut-out but not like it was.

"Either I hate my school, my kids or my job."
"I think you hate the tediousness of preparing lectures, etc."
"Maybe.  I just feel like this isn't meant for me, like there's something bigger and better."
"I think so."
"Remind me of that every once in a while, okay?"

That last one had my biting my lip and throwing a hand over my heart.  And I kind of feel the same way when it comes to our relationship, like there's something more, bigger and better to come.  It's definitely something I've never felt before.




P.S. Tuesday night's Glee had a song that kind of personified this feeling: the mood of the song, the cautious excitement, "magic in the making."