Ready as I'll ever be

I've done the last runs to the grocery store, done all 20 of my nails, got my fake hair ready, made a list of things I need to pack last minute; I can't believe it's finally here!

Tuesday, I'll be leaving with the choir to the biggest music convention/festival in the world.  And I'm not exaggerating with the "in the world" part.  I think I've talked about this convention here before but if you didn't know, every year the Texas Music Educators Association (TMEA) convention committee chooses 2 high school honor choirs in a blind audition and does the same for college choirs.  They're known for picking amazing choirs- people come from all over to hear those concerts, crowds of 3,000+ people!  Up until this year, no college choir from anywhere south of San Antonio had been chosen to perform.

When our director told us this past summer that we'd been asked to be one of the college honor choirs, I was amazed, excited and scared out of my pants.  I've been going to theses conventions since before I could walk or talk, tagging along with my dad as he's a member of TMEA.  This will probably be my 18th or so time going, more than any other member of the choir, possibly more than one of the assistant directors.  Weird, right?

This TMEA experience will be different than any other year.  I won't be in the audience; I'll be performing.  It gives me goose bumps to think about all the years I was in the audience and wanted to be part of a choir or band, to know what it would be like to perform for so many people, to know what was going through their head.  Now I'll know.  Sometimes I just want to cry, knowing how hard works pays off in big ways, how things happen for a reason and how God works in mysterious ways.  It sounds almost dumb to be so thankful to be part of an honor group, but I am.  It's always been one of my "silent" goals as I never even knew it'd been a goal, myself.

Our city's even taking notice.  At our pre-TMEA concert this past Friday, we had a huge turn-out.  Even with the weather being even more wacky than usual (ice and in the 20s...VERY rare for us), there were 300-400 people in the audience.  Plus, we were in the local newspaper(s)!

Here's a link, if you haven't seen it on FB/Twitter yet.

Wish us luck!!  This is a once-in-a-lifetime moment!

Keren

Sunk

I'm ready.

I've talked to enough people, psyched myself up for the big bomb dropping and I was completely ready- or ready as I'll ever be because I know I'll be nervous when I hear the words escape my mouth- for this weekend to be THE time. 

My parents left for Houston this morning and they'll be gone the whole weekened, the sisters could easily be occupied so it'd be the perfect scenario as alone time with the boy would be possible. 

But, of course, something came up.

At first, I asked around my group of friends to see who was free, to see if someone wanted to help me do a tiny, totally-not-wild, no-cops-show-up party (unlike last time..but we won't get into that).  Everyone I talked to said they were going out of town.  I assumed the boy was one of them but I figured I'd ask anyway.  He said he wasn't going with them, but was still going out of town.  My heart sunk.

...all this after an amazing choir rehearsal and being in the new seating arrangement- where I sit right next to him.

Later, he called to run a hair cut idea by me and we talked for a little while.  I asked how long he'd be gone; he said the entire weekend.  This time, he asked why and if I was asking because of the parents being gone.  I said sort of, not really.  I don't know if that got him thinking but I hope it did.

I thought for sure this weekened would be the time to tell him, with the convention/tour/concert(s) coming up.  See, my dream was to be together for the convention/tour.  We're talking hotel rooms, charter busses, the works, and walking around the exhibits hand-in-hand was just a blissful thought.  I really, really wanted it to happen but if I can't get a moment alone with him, it's probably not going to happen.  And as much as I know I'll beat myself up about it, I'll try not to.

...not to mention Valentine's Day the week we get back into town.  It'll probably be another one I spend single.

Keren

Pregnant

I'm nowhere near being ready to have kids.  Let me just preface this post with that.  That doesn't mean I don't want kids- because I do- but just not right now.  At least 6 more years.  There are definitely moments where I really, really want a baby but then I think about the things I want to accomplish before reproducing.  Sometimes I'm not even sure of that list.

However, lately I've been having lots of dreams.  I wouldn't call them recurring dreams, because they're never exactly the same, but they're all very similar: I'm pregnant.  I'm at a different place each time, with different people, the situation's always different but there's definitely a bun in the oven.  Last night's was...interesting.

In the dream, I was sitting in choir rehearsal at school (great, my ultimate goal- to be pregnant and not done with school...not!) in between songs.  Our director tells us to move out of our soprano, bass, tenor, alto seating arrangement and into our new mixed arrangement.  Now, in real life, we do have those arrangements; the mixed is for concerts so there's no one voice part sticking out from one particular side or section of the risers.  The new mixed arrangement is very mixed.  I stand close to two altos (that was inevitable as there are more altos than any other voice part) and two basses (one of which is the boy, he's exactly to my right).  So back to the dream, I go up to the top riser to sit next to the boy (although I think he might've been the husband in the dream) and he rubs my belly.  Cute, right?  Yeah, until the pregnancy hormones get the best of me...in the dream, of course.  I get upset because there's another girl in the choir who's pregnant but is showing more than I am.  She looks cute but I look...fluffy.

That's where I woke up, but that's just one dream.  I don't know why I keep having these dreams.  It's kinda cute but kinda weird.  I guess it's better than dreaming that my teeth fall out.

What recurring dreams do you have?

Keren

Chicken

I'm a complete chicken.  And I think waaaaaaaay too much.

If you don't believe me, let me show you some evidence.

I am deathly afraid of needles.
It takes a good pep talk to get me onto a roller coaster.
It's hard for me to flirt with any guy.
I'm always paranoid that someone will judge me.

Today was one of those days where my mind was racing but I couldn't, didn't want to get away from the situation.

First day back from Christmas/winter vacation and my Tuesday/Thursday classes went fine.  I know a good number of people in both classes as they are both core Communication classes.  I was completely fine until the end of the second class.  I was supposed to work out but I wasn't feeling it, hehe.  Instead, the boy called and we hung out for a while in the music building with some other friends from choir.  He mentioned that he had another class (to teach.  Yes, he's officially a professor now.  WEIRD!)  I didn't have anything else to do, so I asked if I could sit in on the class.  He said I could, so I walked with him to the lab in the library where the class was.  It was interesting to see him in action as a real teacher and all that.  Once it was done, we picked up some lunch from Subway and went to my house to eat it.

Now, you have to understand that most of the time I'm with him, so is my sister and maybe another friend.  It's rarely just us two.  And I'd promised myself that the next time I had a moment alone with him, I'd tell him what's been on my mind for the past year or so.  Yeah, the mind racing thing totally gets in the way of that.  I don't know why I'm so ready for it when he's not around and not when he is.  It's frustrating; I'm totally kicking myself right now.  I SO HAD IT.

I don't know why it is that I'm so afraid- if that's the right word- to tell him.  We're closer than ever, he's seen me in pj's with no makeup on, I've seen him crying and in physical pain but there's just something holding me back.  Am I just over thinking it and being paranoid that he'll be "whatever" about it or do I just need to tell him?  And bringing it up- ugh, that's another story.  I can't just be like, "Hey, wanna grab some lunch? Oh, and by the way, I'm in love with you."

I NEED SOME ADVICE, HERE!

Keren

(Hopefully) Rich in happiness

I've never been one to make new year's resolutions, let alone go through with them.  I just figured that I'd try to do better, work harder, learn more and simply grow up.  But isn't that our goal every day?  How is that somehow better than a resolution?

But this year is going to be different.  Yes, I still want to do those things that I just mentioned but there's one new thing added to the short list, something that I'm more than determined to go through with...in the next couple of days.

Now, don't get scared or roll your eyes at the following paragraph.  While it might read like an 80s movie screenplay/narration, it's truthful, my truth. So help me, God...please.

For over a year, I've been...uh, interested in a certain man-boy friend of mine.  While we've never even touched on the subject of us being anything more than friends, it's been on my mind.  A lot.  Before Thanksgiving, I promised myself I'd tell him.  I daydreamed about what he'd say, how he'd react,  how I'd react.  So far, I've only come up with a few opening lines but I'm sure they'll all go out the window when the moment arrives.

With him, I've already learned to allow differences.  Any good friend of mine knows what a monumental thing that is for me.  I've always had a list of things I wanted a significant other/husband to have and be, qualities, if you will.  That started when I was about 15.  My youth group leader was talking to us about being careful with who we give our hearts and bodies to, love, etc.  The exercise that went along with the lesson was to make a list of things we wanted in someone.  I wrote a few things, the usual: Christian, tall-ish, handsome, honest, truthful, well-dressed, funny- the basics.  But I also wrote that I didn't want or like tattoos, piercings, cursing, drinking or smoking.

Well guess what?  This man-boy is a culmination of the things I wanted and didn't want.  And I still want to be with him; I still feel the same way.  He's hilarious, truthful especially with the people he really trusts, 6'2, very well-dressed, very handsome (in my opinion), is musically inclined but has two pierced ears, curses for effect (not like a sailor but doesn't never curse) and socially drinks and smokes.

My close friends always told me that my list was too strict and that if I didn't leave room for exceptions, I'd never find a guy 'worthy' enough.  And they were/are right.  I was looking for the perfect man but no such man exists.  Don't get me wrong, though.  I'm not finding excuses for his imperfections; there are some things that definitely aren't perfect about him.  But in not 'dismissing' him for those imperfections made me look at myself before critiquing him or anyone else.  All those things I found fault in before are things I am or have been guilty of.  Blame the college experience or immaturity, I don't care.

So, in getting back to the resolution, I've decided that I need to tell him and come clean about everything.  In all truth, he probably knows.  While he might not be the most observant person on Earth, his close friends are, two of them being people I'm sure know.  I just need for him to hear it from me.

It's been the most frustrating thing- considering my schedule, his schedule, times, places and ears that don't need to hear my life story.  Hopefully, it'll be worth it.

Who knows what'll happen after that, his reaction or whatever.  But I'll know one thing for certain: my first new years resolution will be accomplished.

P.S. He's one of the boys in some of the pics on my background.  :)

Keren

25

Today is December 27th.

Twenty-five years ago today, my parents were married at my mother's home church in the small town of Mercedes, Texas.  My mother was 24 and my father had just turned 30.  They were somewhat young and in love.

They may not be as young anymore, they may need to use glasses to read or have to ask "Can you say that again, please?" occasionally, but they're just as much as in love as they were 25 years ago, maybe more.

This past February, my dad took my mom, my sisters and I to my grandpa's house, just a few steps away from the church they were married in.  It was Valentine's Day, exactly 25 years from the day he proposed.  Like the first time, they were surrounded by their closest family members.  This time, he didn't have a ring but promised to have one by the time their anniversary came around.  Instead, he had a large bouquet of pink roses.

Since then, the big 25 has been a work in progress.  The date was set, the location was booked, flowers arrangements were ordered, linens were chosen, dresses were bought and altered.  Finally, all there was left to do was to wait for the day to arrive.  It's finally here.

It's uncommonly early to see Keren up before 9:00 AM, but special days call for special, early alarm clock rings.  It's only about 2 hours before things start hoppin' round these here parts.  Soon, my aunt will arrive with hot rollers, curling irons, flat irons, bobby pins (can you believe they sell those by the pound now??) and the hairspray will by flying.  I'll get started on my mom and sisters' makeup, full sets of lashes, the works.  My dad has it easy.  All he has to do is get himself dressed.  Sometimes I think women should get paid for having to do their hair and makeup.  It's ridiculously time-consuming.

I have to remember to bring the dinner music- all which I downloaded off Youtube- the music for the surprise my sisters and I have planned for them, tissues, the music for the entrance, the music for their big dance...it's just a never-ending list.  Being the first-born daughter is basically the maid of honor in this case.

All that, of course, will be worth it when I see my parents' faces as their enjoying their night.  Whatever crap is happening they don't need to know.  All they need is to remember their love for each other and how rare an occasion this is nowadays.  It's truly a blessing.

Proposal: The Sequel, February 14, 2010

Keren

Moments Like These

It's officially three days until Christmas.

It seems like every year, the days get shorter and the list of things to do gets longer.  The annual Christmas hustle and bustle is in full swing across America; presents being bought, hastily wrapped and put under a lit-up tree.

Everyone says "we need to take time to remember the little things that make Christmas special" but either no one listens or no one gives themselves time to remember those things.  That's one thing I definitely say with all truth I do.  It's not the moments I look under the Christmas tree to feast my eyes on prettily wrapped presents or uncooked dinner in the fridge.  It's the unplanned moments that bring a tear to my eye during an emotional moment in a movie, a lyric from my favorite Christmas carol or even my first memory of the holiday.  That's what Christmas is to me and that's why I start celebrating it before December starts.

While the to-do list may get longer every year, I'm glad this time of year has remained special for me.  It doesn't matter that I might only get one present this year or that it may not be the perfect Christmas, it's the fact that I have a Christmas, that I have a family and close friends to share it with.

Christmas represents a number of things for me- happiness, hope, love, family, laughter and many other emotions I can't put into words.  That's why it's my favorite time of year.  Plus, it's the one time you can get away with a cheesy blog about a cold day and lots of food without being ridiculed for it.

I thought I'd post a few videos of my favorite Christmas moments and explain why they're so special to me.

My first Christmas memory isn't of opening my first doll or anything like that.  It's watching a segment from Sesame Street.  That show was one of my favorites as I rarely watched cartoons or other traditional kids shows.  Apparently, it was only Sesame Street, Mary Poppins or The Sound of Music.  Anyway, I remember watching it and wanting to cry.  I remember not knowing why I felt like that and embarrassed to not know why.  Watching it now, I realize the show managed to capture Christmas at its most innocent- wishing a good friend a merry Christmas and giving them a little something but knowing your wish for them is greater than any materialistic thing you can physically give them.



The next video represents the first twenty Christmases of my life. Having grown up in one church for most of my life and being part of a very active family in that church, Christmas and church activities became synonymous. My dad was pianist and choir director and my mom, my sisters and I participated regularly by singing or my littlest sister playing an instrument. Our family always did something for the Christmas service at church; some years we did everything (wish I was kidding). Moments like these gave me my love for Christmas music and music in general. During moments like these, in and out of church, made my family and I closer every year. This is my dad and little sister two years ago.



I heard this song a few years ago in the car with my family. When it was finished, no one said a word, we just wiped away tears. I dare you to watch it and not cry.



Lastly, I had to post my favorite Christmas song of all time, sung by my favorite singer of all time. The melody is so simple, as are the lyrics and it's sung so often that it can easily be overlooked but that's where its preciousness lies. Every time I hear the song or watch this video, I can't help but get a knot in my throat. I'll never tire of this song/video. It's just amazing.




Merry Christmas,

Keren