Deep breaths

Yesterday started like any other day.  I went to school, had my morning class, killed some time before choir and had lunch, we had 30 minutes of choir since we're 99% done with everything there and then Brumley let us go.  Mondays I have a 4:25-7:00 class so I just hung around the choir room because I literally had nowhere to go for 2 hours.  The opera kids stayed, too because they have their tech week before their gala on Saturday so I was talking to two of my good friends (Victoria and Bree), also opera people.  

Most people left to get a snack or left for the day so we were openly talking about boys, THE boy to be exact.  Victoria and Bree both know that I've been wanting to tell him about everything for a while now and asked if I'd done it yet.  I said no, to which Victoria said, "You should do it today."  

Of course, at first I just kind of laughed and thought, "No, not today.  I'm not ready!" But she insisted that being SPONTANEOUS was/is the way to go.  And considering all the times I'd planned to just tell him and chickened out, I started to consider it.  It didn't give me time to back out but just enough to think of something to say.  They both talked me into it more and suggested that I call or text him when I got out of class, ask him to come over so we can talk about something that had been on my mind.  

So I messaged Kim on Facebook (haaaaaaay, Kim!), wanting to know what she thought I should do. She's been coaching me through all this; I don't know what I would've done without her.  I said that if she got the message before my class started and had a chance, to call me.  Not 20 minutes later, she called.  I told her what was going on and asked her how I should word things.  After she gave me a little pep talk, we hung up.

Once class started, I couldn't help but think about what I was going to say, whether I'd be nervous (who am I kidding? I knew I was going to be nervous) and how he'd take it, how he'd react.  I tried to pay attention to the presentations in class but I could only concentrate for so long before my heart would start pounding.

When I got home, not only was my whole family home but Joyce was here, too...but when is she not? :P Love you, Joyceeeee!  I texted Victoria and told her I was freaking out.  She said not to freak out, to take deep breaths and relax.  I did my best but the relaxing part was just not going to happen.  Deep breaths.

So I sent him a text, "Que haces?"  (What are you doing?)

"Nothing much.  What's up?"

"Um...I need to talk to you about some stuff."

"About what?"

"I fee like I owe you an explanation about something- sounds waaay more serious than it is. Would you be able to come over for a bit? You wouldn't have to come inside because everyone's home- even Joyce. It's just something I'd rather talk about in person."

"Explanation for what?"

"Don't asking questions. You'll understand later."

"Ask*"

"I know, I was gonna make fun of you for it. Haha."

"-_-"

"Is it gonna take a while? I have a lecture to prepare for tomorrow."

"No, I won't take you away from your adult responsibilities."

"Alright, I gueesssss I'll head over in a bit."

"Don't get out of the car.  Just tell me what you're here."

"Ok..?"

"Reduces the awkward."

"You're making me not want to go over."

"It's not bad."

-15 minutes later-

"Bring room temp water?  :)"

"Here?"

"Yup."'

So I went outside to talk to him, my heart beating faster than before, my speech shaky and I assume my body language tense.  

As soon as we were done, I messaged Kim with everything we'd talked about.  I think that captures the way I was feeling at the moment perfectly, so I'm just copying/pasting the exact message I sent her.  Note the lack of paragraphs or proper grammar.

I did it.

I finally did it. I sent him a text when I got home at 8 and asked what he was doing. He said nothing, so I told him I needed to talk to him about something. He instantly got scared- I could sense it through texting. I said it's not bad but that it needed to be in person. He said he'd be over in a bit and about 15 minutes later, he was outside. I'd told him not to get out of the car but just to text me when he was outside. My whole family and even a friend was at home so I didn't want to make it awkward or have people listening with a glass behind my door. So I got the text saying he was here and I went out. As soon as I got in the car, I felt all the blood rush to my face, chest and arms. My mouth went dry and I was short of breath...not to mention my heart beat (which I made him feel later *wink*). So I started with the story about our last day in San Antonio for the choir trip and how he saw me get emotional and reminded him how I said I'd tell him later. He said "I'm guessing it's later..?" Smart boy. I took a deep breath and said "You have to know that I value our friendship and that I'd never do anything to jeopardize it, so you have to understand why it took me so long to get to this point. I care about you as a friend but it's...more than that, too. I don't want you to feel awkward towards me now that you know. I think it took me a while to say something- over a year- because I was afraid you'd think of me the way you did in HS, but I'm a completely different person now and knowing what girls you've liked in the past intimidated me because they're almost perfect looking and in my head I just can't compete with that." Then he said "I'd be dumb to not pick up on all of this but I didn't realize it was to this extent." He wasn't freaked out at all- good, right? "Don't worry about it getting awkward; I'm not going to stop talking to you because you've told me all of this. But to be brutally honest (this is where I braced myself for it), I can't give myself to anyone until I can love myself." I about died here. "You mean about the way you look?" "Yeah, and that I didn't go to school for what I wanted... It'd be wanting to nurture someone else and love them the way they should be but at the same time learn to love myself. It'd be like raising twins alone." <-- Glad I didn't mention I want twins. So I said "I don't think you're unattractive at all and I don't know what you see but it's definitely not what I see or what other people see. You have your stuff together, you graduated in 3 years, you're working two jobs..*" "See? I don't see what others do. I need to work on myself first." <-- very mature, I thought. I also told him that I get upset/annoyed with Ana and other girls who try flirting with him to show that I care about that, too. Basically, he took it well. It wasn't a no, I don't like you at all but it wasn't a green light, either. He said something about my mom not liking him but I explained that it's her way of defending me considering the HS situation. She hasn't given him a fair shot and I realize that. I don't know, if something happens where I say something that shows I care, at least now I won't have to explain things, he'll know where it's coming from. He said that it takes some real big girl panties to do something like that and I guess he was impressed that I'd put myself on the line just to tell him. Guess now the ball's in his court.

*right here, P!nk's "F**kin' Perfect" came on the radio...look up the lyrics!

After a night to sleep on everything, I'm honestly proud of myself.  It wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do but I'm glad I proved to him and myself that I can do something like that if I feel strongly enough.  I was thinking about it today during class (I really need to start paying more attention) and I got all teary-eyed!  I don't exactly know where that came from but maybe it's relief..?  Fear of the unknown future?  I have a feeling I'll eventually let a good cry out but it'll be anything but sad.  I know for sure that that's not what I'm feeling. 

I haven't heard from him at all today which isn't exactly out of the ordinary but at the same time it's not completely ordinary.  I'll see him for sure tomorrow, as we have choir again tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.  

I'll just have to remember: deep breaths.