Listen to the whispers

While I went into great detail with the TMEA blog, I left out one thing. I left it out not because I'd forgotten it, but because I was ashamed of this moment. I couldn't ignore the fact that it'd happened but it didn't mean I had to talk about it. I'm known for not being able to keep things to myself (most of that is rumor, mind you) but there are things that I don't talk about at all because, really, I don't want to remind myself about them.

The last day of TMEA, Saturday, when I had that little emotional melt-down..? Yeah, that wasn't entirely about the stress of the concert and all that. It partly was but very little at that. Leading up to TMEA, I was always thinking about the fact that it was one of the last concerts I'd do with the boy (THE last concert he'll be singing with us is in 12 days), one of the last times... I just don't like that word, "last."

Every rehearsal I'd day dream about singing the last song standing next to him and reaching out for his hand as if to say "I'm going to miss you." Of course I never got up the courage to actually do that and during the actual concert, I was too much on auto-pilot to think of anything but the music. I thought my chance was gone as we were assigned new standing arrangements as soon as we got back and started rehearsing new material. But yesterday while going over the program order for the LAST concert of the semester, Brumley had us go over some pieces we did at TMEA..IN THE ARRANGEMENT WE WERE IN. That meant I got to stand next to the boy again. Instantly, I felt amazing, world-conquering, happy.  We sang four songs from memory, which was impressive, but I was still somewhat surprised that I felt the same exhilaration I felt on stage at TMEA.  I guess there's nothing like doing something you care about with someone you care about.

Rehearsals leading up to TMEA were my whispers.  (Watching OWN's Master Class with Oprah really brought whispers to light for me.  Whispers are when you experience something and go "oh," or "hmm.." or "that's odd."  And when you don't listen to the whispers, they just get louder and louder until you listen to them and do something about it.)  Because I didn't listen to them then, they came back and louder, giving me a second chance.  This next concert is my second chance- given we're in the same mixed arrangement.  I don't know if I'll actually reach out to him physically on stage during the last piece but I know for sure I'm going to give him a huge hug and tell him I'm going to miss him next year.

P.S.  YES, I'm planning on telling him soon.  As I tweeted, we're in charge of the decorations for the choir banquet so we'll probably be assembling center pieces together.  Perfect timing, no?