Deep breaths

Yesterday started like any other day.  I went to school, had my morning class, killed some time before choir and had lunch, we had 30 minutes of choir since we're 99% done with everything there and then Brumley let us go.  Mondays I have a 4:25-7:00 class so I just hung around the choir room because I literally had nowhere to go for 2 hours.  The opera kids stayed, too because they have their tech week before their gala on Saturday so I was talking to two of my good friends (Victoria and Bree), also opera people.  

Most people left to get a snack or left for the day so we were openly talking about boys, THE boy to be exact.  Victoria and Bree both know that I've been wanting to tell him about everything for a while now and asked if I'd done it yet.  I said no, to which Victoria said, "You should do it today."  

Of course, at first I just kind of laughed and thought, "No, not today.  I'm not ready!" But she insisted that being SPONTANEOUS was/is the way to go.  And considering all the times I'd planned to just tell him and chickened out, I started to consider it.  It didn't give me time to back out but just enough to think of something to say.  They both talked me into it more and suggested that I call or text him when I got out of class, ask him to come over so we can talk about something that had been on my mind.  

So I messaged Kim on Facebook (haaaaaaay, Kim!), wanting to know what she thought I should do. She's been coaching me through all this; I don't know what I would've done without her.  I said that if she got the message before my class started and had a chance, to call me.  Not 20 minutes later, she called.  I told her what was going on and asked her how I should word things.  After she gave me a little pep talk, we hung up.

Once class started, I couldn't help but think about what I was going to say, whether I'd be nervous (who am I kidding? I knew I was going to be nervous) and how he'd take it, how he'd react.  I tried to pay attention to the presentations in class but I could only concentrate for so long before my heart would start pounding.

When I got home, not only was my whole family home but Joyce was here, too...but when is she not? :P Love you, Joyceeeee!  I texted Victoria and told her I was freaking out.  She said not to freak out, to take deep breaths and relax.  I did my best but the relaxing part was just not going to happen.  Deep breaths.

So I sent him a text, "Que haces?"  (What are you doing?)

"Nothing much.  What's up?"

"Um...I need to talk to you about some stuff."

"About what?"

"I fee like I owe you an explanation about something- sounds waaay more serious than it is. Would you be able to come over for a bit? You wouldn't have to come inside because everyone's home- even Joyce. It's just something I'd rather talk about in person."

"Explanation for what?"

"Don't asking questions. You'll understand later."

"Ask*"

"I know, I was gonna make fun of you for it. Haha."

"-_-"

"Is it gonna take a while? I have a lecture to prepare for tomorrow."

"No, I won't take you away from your adult responsibilities."

"Alright, I gueesssss I'll head over in a bit."

"Don't get out of the car.  Just tell me what you're here."

"Ok..?"

"Reduces the awkward."

"You're making me not want to go over."

"It's not bad."

-15 minutes later-

"Bring room temp water?  :)"

"Here?"

"Yup."'

So I went outside to talk to him, my heart beating faster than before, my speech shaky and I assume my body language tense.  

As soon as we were done, I messaged Kim with everything we'd talked about.  I think that captures the way I was feeling at the moment perfectly, so I'm just copying/pasting the exact message I sent her.  Note the lack of paragraphs or proper grammar.

I did it.

I finally did it. I sent him a text when I got home at 8 and asked what he was doing. He said nothing, so I told him I needed to talk to him about something. He instantly got scared- I could sense it through texting. I said it's not bad but that it needed to be in person. He said he'd be over in a bit and about 15 minutes later, he was outside. I'd told him not to get out of the car but just to text me when he was outside. My whole family and even a friend was at home so I didn't want to make it awkward or have people listening with a glass behind my door. So I got the text saying he was here and I went out. As soon as I got in the car, I felt all the blood rush to my face, chest and arms. My mouth went dry and I was short of breath...not to mention my heart beat (which I made him feel later *wink*). So I started with the story about our last day in San Antonio for the choir trip and how he saw me get emotional and reminded him how I said I'd tell him later. He said "I'm guessing it's later..?" Smart boy. I took a deep breath and said "You have to know that I value our friendship and that I'd never do anything to jeopardize it, so you have to understand why it took me so long to get to this point. I care about you as a friend but it's...more than that, too. I don't want you to feel awkward towards me now that you know. I think it took me a while to say something- over a year- because I was afraid you'd think of me the way you did in HS, but I'm a completely different person now and knowing what girls you've liked in the past intimidated me because they're almost perfect looking and in my head I just can't compete with that." Then he said "I'd be dumb to not pick up on all of this but I didn't realize it was to this extent." He wasn't freaked out at all- good, right? "Don't worry about it getting awkward; I'm not going to stop talking to you because you've told me all of this. But to be brutally honest (this is where I braced myself for it), I can't give myself to anyone until I can love myself." I about died here. "You mean about the way you look?" "Yeah, and that I didn't go to school for what I wanted... It'd be wanting to nurture someone else and love them the way they should be but at the same time learn to love myself. It'd be like raising twins alone." <-- Glad I didn't mention I want twins. So I said "I don't think you're unattractive at all and I don't know what you see but it's definitely not what I see or what other people see. You have your stuff together, you graduated in 3 years, you're working two jobs..*" "See? I don't see what others do. I need to work on myself first." <-- very mature, I thought. I also told him that I get upset/annoyed with Ana and other girls who try flirting with him to show that I care about that, too. Basically, he took it well. It wasn't a no, I don't like you at all but it wasn't a green light, either. He said something about my mom not liking him but I explained that it's her way of defending me considering the HS situation. She hasn't given him a fair shot and I realize that. I don't know, if something happens where I say something that shows I care, at least now I won't have to explain things, he'll know where it's coming from. He said that it takes some real big girl panties to do something like that and I guess he was impressed that I'd put myself on the line just to tell him. Guess now the ball's in his court.

*right here, P!nk's "F**kin' Perfect" came on the radio...look up the lyrics!

After a night to sleep on everything, I'm honestly proud of myself.  It wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do but I'm glad I proved to him and myself that I can do something like that if I feel strongly enough.  I was thinking about it today during class (I really need to start paying more attention) and I got all teary-eyed!  I don't exactly know where that came from but maybe it's relief..?  Fear of the unknown future?  I have a feeling I'll eventually let a good cry out but it'll be anything but sad.  I know for sure that that's not what I'm feeling. 

I haven't heard from him at all today which isn't exactly out of the ordinary but at the same time it's not completely ordinary.  I'll see him for sure tomorrow, as we have choir again tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.  

I'll just have to remember: deep breaths.

Favorites

So I'm thinking of changing things up a little.  Sometimes there are some products (beauty or otherwise) that I get obsessed with and find myself telling everyone about.  "Beauty gurus" on Youtube are known for monthly favorite videos/blogs, so this will kind of be a nod in that direction but those girls buy a lot of new products every month and therefore have different favorites each month.  I don't buy anything that often, so while I might favor something over another one month, I don't expect to have completely different favorites each month, so these posts might not be monthly.  Just a heads up.

This month, so far, I've been really into lashes.  Not so much false lashes (don't get me wrong, those have a special place in my heart and in my makeup collection) but in taking care of my own and trying to get them to grow.  At night, I take my eye makeup off with extra care to not tug on the skin around the eye or to accidentally pull some lashes out.

Most of all, I've been LOVING a certain mascara cocktail.  Ever since my last birthday, I've been using Grow Luscious mascara by Revlon in black and in the waterproof formula (all my mascaras are always waterproof).  It claims to nourish your lashes and make them look longer and thicker instantly while making them literally grow over time.  Does it work?  YES.  People are always coming up to me and asking me if I'm wearing false lashes.  Nope!  Just a great product.  The brush/wand is huge but it really gets every single little lash and multiplies it times 10.

In conjunction with that, I've been using Lancome's Hypnose, also in black. I'm almost out and I'll be tempted to buy anther tube.  I don't know if I will due to the price ($25!) but if you can afford it, you won't regret it.  The wand/brush is super thin and does an amazing job at separating each lash.  The formula isn't as wet as Grow Luscious but isn't hard to work with, either.  I use this before and after Grow Luscious to get the lashes separated and in the general shape I want and then to comb through any (rare) clumps that might've shown up.  If you're looking for a good separating mascara but aren't willing to pay the price for Lancome, I suggest Cover Girl's Lash Blast (original, orange tube).

It's spring and perfect timing for a nice, fresh glow to add to your cheeks.  I've been going back and forth between two blushes: MAC's Pink Swoon and Benefit's Coralista.  Pink Swoon is a really nice, matte baby pink.  You don't need a lot because it's very pigmented and it stays on most of the day.  With just the right amount, you look fresh and awake but not like a overly made up doll.  Coralista is more of a peachy-pink with a definite shimmer.  One light dusting of this over your cheekbones will make them glow and stand out but with some building, you'll have a nice pink highlight (I used this recently on a bride and it looked amazing!).  Both are a bit on the pricey side- MAC's Pink Swoon is $18.50 and Benefit's Coralista is $28.

Two months ago, I was in real need of a good concealer.  The one I really liked was nowhere to be found and my color had changed so I was on the hunt.  I went to Sephora and remembered a video on Youtube I'd seen about the Kat Von D Tattoo Concealer.  I picked it up and swatched it on the back of my hand to see how much it'd cover.  To my amazement, it covered the tiny freckles I have on my hands and made that spot look amazingly even and perfect.  I knew I had to have it.  While it's a bit pricey ($25), it's worth it, considering the amount needed.  It's so concentrated that you only need a tiny dot for each under eye.  With finals coming up, it's definitely on my must list.

About a year ago, two of my friends participated in a hair show.  They came home with free haircuts and a bunch of free deluxe size products.  Most of the products my guy friend had no use for so he gave me the star of the bunch.  He had just taken me blonde and my hair was SUFFERING!  The ends felt like hay and certainly looked like it.  He suggested that I use it whenever I blew my hair dry.  It smells amazing and you only need a tiny, tiny bit at a time.  It's saved my hair through numerous colors, cuts and styles.  We're both convinced it's the reason my hair has felt thicker and healthier.  I'm going to need a new one soon!! :(  Schwarzkopf Bonacure Hair Therapy Repair Rescue is about $14, depending on where purchased.  

Lastly, as always I'm obsessed with nail polish! I can't get enough.  Seriously.  Pastels are soo in for Spring, so I had to jump on the bandwagon and grab a few.  With a tan, the colors really stand out but tanned or not, they're soo pretty!!  My favorite brand so far has been Revlon with two stand-out colors being Gum Drop and Jaded.  Revlon has a line of SCENTED polishes, too.  Even with a top coat, you can smell the scent for about 2 days.  The scent isn't necessary but it's just something a little extra.  Just don't get caught smelling your fingers..you might get some funny looks.

 

Listen to the whispers

While I went into great detail with the TMEA blog, I left out one thing. I left it out not because I'd forgotten it, but because I was ashamed of this moment. I couldn't ignore the fact that it'd happened but it didn't mean I had to talk about it. I'm known for not being able to keep things to myself (most of that is rumor, mind you) but there are things that I don't talk about at all because, really, I don't want to remind myself about them.

The last day of TMEA, Saturday, when I had that little emotional melt-down..? Yeah, that wasn't entirely about the stress of the concert and all that. It partly was but very little at that. Leading up to TMEA, I was always thinking about the fact that it was one of the last concerts I'd do with the boy (THE last concert he'll be singing with us is in 12 days), one of the last times... I just don't like that word, "last."

Every rehearsal I'd day dream about singing the last song standing next to him and reaching out for his hand as if to say "I'm going to miss you." Of course I never got up the courage to actually do that and during the actual concert, I was too much on auto-pilot to think of anything but the music. I thought my chance was gone as we were assigned new standing arrangements as soon as we got back and started rehearsing new material. But yesterday while going over the program order for the LAST concert of the semester, Brumley had us go over some pieces we did at TMEA..IN THE ARRANGEMENT WE WERE IN. That meant I got to stand next to the boy again. Instantly, I felt amazing, world-conquering, happy.  We sang four songs from memory, which was impressive, but I was still somewhat surprised that I felt the same exhilaration I felt on stage at TMEA.  I guess there's nothing like doing something you care about with someone you care about.

Rehearsals leading up to TMEA were my whispers.  (Watching OWN's Master Class with Oprah really brought whispers to light for me.  Whispers are when you experience something and go "oh," or "hmm.." or "that's odd."  And when you don't listen to the whispers, they just get louder and louder until you listen to them and do something about it.)  Because I didn't listen to them then, they came back and louder, giving me a second chance.  This next concert is my second chance- given we're in the same mixed arrangement.  I don't know if I'll actually reach out to him physically on stage during the last piece but I know for sure I'm going to give him a huge hug and tell him I'm going to miss him next year.

P.S.  YES, I'm planning on telling him soon.  As I tweeted, we're in charge of the decorations for the choir banquet so we'll probably be assembling center pieces together.  Perfect timing, no?

Concert day

Our director, Mrs. Brumley, isn't exclusive to the Master Chorale. She's also been the director of a community choir called the South Texas Chorale for the past 20 years. Today was her farewell concert with that choir. Sadly, no director has stepped up to take her place, so this was also the farewell concert for the South Texas Chorale.

After TMEA, she made the announcement to us that she was leaving STC but made sure we knew she wasn't leaving our choir (she loves that job too much).

Today's concert was mainly Mozart's Requiem which is all in Latin and about a 40 minute work (and we learned it in about a month and still had to help STC though they'd been working with the requiem since January). It's similar to Handel's Messiah in that there are individual songs that make up the whole work, aren't usually performed in its entirety and have at least one very famous part. Apart from that, we opened with "Surely The Lord Is In This Place," then after the requiem, we did "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and closed with our traditional benediction, "The Lord Bless You and Keep You," which had the STC and Mrs. Brumley in tears.

It was definitely special seeing Mrs. Brumley end her tenure with the STC and made me even more grateful to have her stay with us. It made me both dread and look forward to the next concert (April 17) where they'll recognize the graduating seniors (the boy and another friend). I'll definitely cry during "The Lord Bless You.." at that concert.

I had Tina record the hymns and the benediction from the balcony:

My night

Might have to raise your volume.

(And excuse the partial vocal cracks/pitchiness...he was the most nervous I've ever seen him...even more than singing in front of thousands at TMEA.)

A sign

I decided to not go to my one class today (my dark circles had bags and those bags had bags) so I slept in a little. It wasn't until my dad busted into my room, all nervous and holding his bow tie, needing me to help him with it that I realized it was dreaming...and it wasn't exactly my favorite dream. But boy, was it real!

I guess I and the rest of my friends, mostly choir people, were in San Antonio and staying at a hotel similar to the TMEA situation where we were all kind of "neighbors." There was a rumor going on in the dream that there were people being killed in the hotel but no body would be found, they'd just disappear. We didn't think anything of it until me and two other girls were walking down the hallway to our rooms and bumped into another girl from our group. She said hi to the two other girls but not to me. I thought it was weird but didn't question it until we got to a mirror that was on the wall next to the elevator. I could see perfect reflections of the two girls but mine was distorted, almost like I was transparent. I moved around to see if it was just a spot on the mirror or something but it wasn't. I knew I'd been killed somehow and was now just a ghost. No one knew I was there because they couldn't see me and I guess they thought I was somewhere else.

I just sat there, right where I was, and cried and cried. I mourned all the things I was to become and all the opportunities lost, the fact that I'd never graduate from college, never get married, be truly intimate with someone I loved, never have kids, etc. It just felt too soon, so much so that part of me denied the fact that I was dead. I decided to find my parents and my friends to tell them- if I could. How could they hear or talk to me if I wasn't visible, just a silent presence? For some reason, I never found my sisters but I found my parents. I tried talking in a whisper- I guess out of nervousness and being so emotional- and that didn't work; they didn't hear a thing. Then I tried talking louder, almost screaming and my mom heard me. She didn't know how to react when she heard me saying "Mom!" She knew it was me but didn't know where my voice was coming from. I suddenly felt like there was a time limit to how long I could communicate with her, so I just yelled "I love you." She smiled and kept doing whatever it was she was doing. My dad, who had been sitting and reading next to her, didn't hear a thing. For some reason, I exhaled through my mouth, blowing towards him like you do as you exercise. The small breath turned into a big gust of wind and I could see his collar flapping and his hair moving. It was like if I tried hard enough I could be responsible for a hurricane. I could tell he knew something- someONE- was trying to tell him something but my mom was sure to fill him in on what she'd heard. I left, feeling only just a little bit accomplished. I didn't want to even try to tell them the little more I knew because I didn't want to make them sad.

I kept walking down the hall to a room that ended up being a restaurant/bar in the hotel. I looked around to see if I knew anyone and only one face was familiar. Now, honestly, would you be surprised if I said it was the boy? I think not. So yeah, it was him. He was sitting there alone, eating something. I sat on the stool next to him and just looked at him. I was sad for anything that could have been but mostly that I'd never gotten up the courage to fully tell him everything. In that moment I had nothing more than admiration, respect and love for him. Then, as if in a movie, he looked to his right, where I was sitting and looked straight at me. I remembered that people couldn't see me anymore so I figured he was looking through and past where I was. But then he looked me straight in the eye and said "There you are!" like he'd been expecting me.

Then my dad busted into my room needing help with his bow tie and I woke up. I knew I didn't need any kind of dream dictionary or to question whether this dream had meaning to it. I don't know when or where, but I'm going to tell him. This is definitely a sign.

Just for craps and giggles

Just about every time someone sees me doing my makeup, they ask "How do you do that?!" asking about my eyeliner.  (*ahem*, Kim at the last convention)  I've always said I'd keep an eye out for a good example or just show you all myself, so I finally found one.

I'll probably eventually get my YT account up and running and show you myself for real but this is almost exactly how I do it.  This is almost exactly the way I do my whole face (other than the lashes...those are just for special occasions).