Deep breaths: part 2

It's been three days since the big bomb-dropping and for the anxiety I experienced leading up to THE moment, I think I'm holding up pretty well.

Every time I think about Monday night (April 25th, the perfect date! ..for you Miss Congeniality fans), I can't help but get butterflies.  He's one of the few people boys I've actually been interested in to really listen to me, ask me for advice and actually take the advice.  Now, I'm not saying that that's what I want- for a guy to give me all the attention in the world (although a moment of that wouldn't be bad)- but it shows that he not only cares about me, but wants to know what I think.  Isn't that what girls complain about all the time, about their boys not caring what they think?

Considering the extreme negative reactions that could've happened, I think it went well, very well.  The only way it could've gone better was for the feelings to be mutual but I knew the chances were slim.  However, you have to really understand what he was like in high school.  I don't know how or why I was so infatuated with him during the high school years, but compared to that boy, he's a man now.  Sure he still has some occasional d-bag comments; the boy's not perfect, but he knows what he wants, what others need and does his best to meet those needs and wants.

Which is what brings me to the "raising twins" analogy he gave.  Again, you'd have to really know him to get that but I'll do my best to explain.  People who don't know him really well, even "good" friends only see the d-bag part of him.  He seems snooty, stuck up and heartless.  But there's much, much more to him.  It's a part he's hesitant to share because when he was younger, he was really close to his grandmother and then she suddenly died.  Since then, he only shows his true self to very, very few people.  He hates crying or showing any kind of real emotion in front of most people.  Even explaining why he wasn't completely ready for a real relationship to me the other night, got him a little misty-eyed.  Guess I'm not "most people."

Tuesday night, almost exactly 24 hours since the bomb-dropping, he texted me.  This was a huge relief to me.  You seriously have no idea.  I was worried that although he said it wouldn't be awkward that he'd hesitate to call or text, that it wouldn't be a complete shut-out but not like it was.

"Either I hate my school, my kids or my job."
"I think you hate the tediousness of preparing lectures, etc."
"Maybe.  I just feel like this isn't meant for me, like there's something bigger and better."
"I think so."
"Remind me of that every once in a while, okay?"

That last one had my biting my lip and throwing a hand over my heart.  And I kind of feel the same way when it comes to our relationship, like there's something more, bigger and better to come.  It's definitely something I've never felt before.




P.S. Tuesday night's Glee had a song that kind of personified this feeling: the mood of the song, the cautious excitement, "magic in the making."

Deep breaths

Yesterday started like any other day.  I went to school, had my morning class, killed some time before choir and had lunch, we had 30 minutes of choir since we're 99% done with everything there and then Brumley let us go.  Mondays I have a 4:25-7:00 class so I just hung around the choir room because I literally had nowhere to go for 2 hours.  The opera kids stayed, too because they have their tech week before their gala on Saturday so I was talking to two of my good friends (Victoria and Bree), also opera people.  

Most people left to get a snack or left for the day so we were openly talking about boys, THE boy to be exact.  Victoria and Bree both know that I've been wanting to tell him about everything for a while now and asked if I'd done it yet.  I said no, to which Victoria said, "You should do it today."  

Of course, at first I just kind of laughed and thought, "No, not today.  I'm not ready!" But she insisted that being SPONTANEOUS was/is the way to go.  And considering all the times I'd planned to just tell him and chickened out, I started to consider it.  It didn't give me time to back out but just enough to think of something to say.  They both talked me into it more and suggested that I call or text him when I got out of class, ask him to come over so we can talk about something that had been on my mind.  

So I messaged Kim on Facebook (haaaaaaay, Kim!), wanting to know what she thought I should do. She's been coaching me through all this; I don't know what I would've done without her.  I said that if she got the message before my class started and had a chance, to call me.  Not 20 minutes later, she called.  I told her what was going on and asked her how I should word things.  After she gave me a little pep talk, we hung up.

Once class started, I couldn't help but think about what I was going to say, whether I'd be nervous (who am I kidding? I knew I was going to be nervous) and how he'd take it, how he'd react.  I tried to pay attention to the presentations in class but I could only concentrate for so long before my heart would start pounding.

When I got home, not only was my whole family home but Joyce was here, too...but when is she not? :P Love you, Joyceeeee!  I texted Victoria and told her I was freaking out.  She said not to freak out, to take deep breaths and relax.  I did my best but the relaxing part was just not going to happen.  Deep breaths.

So I sent him a text, "Que haces?"  (What are you doing?)

"Nothing much.  What's up?"

"Um...I need to talk to you about some stuff."

"About what?"

"I fee like I owe you an explanation about something- sounds waaay more serious than it is. Would you be able to come over for a bit? You wouldn't have to come inside because everyone's home- even Joyce. It's just something I'd rather talk about in person."

"Explanation for what?"

"Don't asking questions. You'll understand later."

"Ask*"

"I know, I was gonna make fun of you for it. Haha."

"-_-"

"Is it gonna take a while? I have a lecture to prepare for tomorrow."

"No, I won't take you away from your adult responsibilities."

"Alright, I gueesssss I'll head over in a bit."

"Don't get out of the car.  Just tell me what you're here."

"Ok..?"

"Reduces the awkward."

"You're making me not want to go over."

"It's not bad."

-15 minutes later-

"Bring room temp water?  :)"

"Here?"

"Yup."'

So I went outside to talk to him, my heart beating faster than before, my speech shaky and I assume my body language tense.  

As soon as we were done, I messaged Kim with everything we'd talked about.  I think that captures the way I was feeling at the moment perfectly, so I'm just copying/pasting the exact message I sent her.  Note the lack of paragraphs or proper grammar.

I did it.

I finally did it. I sent him a text when I got home at 8 and asked what he was doing. He said nothing, so I told him I needed to talk to him about something. He instantly got scared- I could sense it through texting. I said it's not bad but that it needed to be in person. He said he'd be over in a bit and about 15 minutes later, he was outside. I'd told him not to get out of the car but just to text me when he was outside. My whole family and even a friend was at home so I didn't want to make it awkward or have people listening with a glass behind my door. So I got the text saying he was here and I went out. As soon as I got in the car, I felt all the blood rush to my face, chest and arms. My mouth went dry and I was short of breath...not to mention my heart beat (which I made him feel later *wink*). So I started with the story about our last day in San Antonio for the choir trip and how he saw me get emotional and reminded him how I said I'd tell him later. He said "I'm guessing it's later..?" Smart boy. I took a deep breath and said "You have to know that I value our friendship and that I'd never do anything to jeopardize it, so you have to understand why it took me so long to get to this point. I care about you as a friend but it's...more than that, too. I don't want you to feel awkward towards me now that you know. I think it took me a while to say something- over a year- because I was afraid you'd think of me the way you did in HS, but I'm a completely different person now and knowing what girls you've liked in the past intimidated me because they're almost perfect looking and in my head I just can't compete with that." Then he said "I'd be dumb to not pick up on all of this but I didn't realize it was to this extent." He wasn't freaked out at all- good, right? "Don't worry about it getting awkward; I'm not going to stop talking to you because you've told me all of this. But to be brutally honest (this is where I braced myself for it), I can't give myself to anyone until I can love myself." I about died here. "You mean about the way you look?" "Yeah, and that I didn't go to school for what I wanted... It'd be wanting to nurture someone else and love them the way they should be but at the same time learn to love myself. It'd be like raising twins alone." <-- Glad I didn't mention I want twins. So I said "I don't think you're unattractive at all and I don't know what you see but it's definitely not what I see or what other people see. You have your stuff together, you graduated in 3 years, you're working two jobs..*" "See? I don't see what others do. I need to work on myself first." <-- very mature, I thought. I also told him that I get upset/annoyed with Ana and other girls who try flirting with him to show that I care about that, too. Basically, he took it well. It wasn't a no, I don't like you at all but it wasn't a green light, either. He said something about my mom not liking him but I explained that it's her way of defending me considering the HS situation. She hasn't given him a fair shot and I realize that. I don't know, if something happens where I say something that shows I care, at least now I won't have to explain things, he'll know where it's coming from. He said that it takes some real big girl panties to do something like that and I guess he was impressed that I'd put myself on the line just to tell him. Guess now the ball's in his court.

*right here, P!nk's "F**kin' Perfect" came on the radio...look up the lyrics!

After a night to sleep on everything, I'm honestly proud of myself.  It wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do but I'm glad I proved to him and myself that I can do something like that if I feel strongly enough.  I was thinking about it today during class (I really need to start paying more attention) and I got all teary-eyed!  I don't exactly know where that came from but maybe it's relief..?  Fear of the unknown future?  I have a feeling I'll eventually let a good cry out but it'll be anything but sad.  I know for sure that that's not what I'm feeling. 

I haven't heard from him at all today which isn't exactly out of the ordinary but at the same time it's not completely ordinary.  I'll see him for sure tomorrow, as we have choir again tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.  

I'll just have to remember: deep breaths.

Favorites

So I'm thinking of changing things up a little.  Sometimes there are some products (beauty or otherwise) that I get obsessed with and find myself telling everyone about.  "Beauty gurus" on Youtube are known for monthly favorite videos/blogs, so this will kind of be a nod in that direction but those girls buy a lot of new products every month and therefore have different favorites each month.  I don't buy anything that often, so while I might favor something over another one month, I don't expect to have completely different favorites each month, so these posts might not be monthly.  Just a heads up.

This month, so far, I've been really into lashes.  Not so much false lashes (don't get me wrong, those have a special place in my heart and in my makeup collection) but in taking care of my own and trying to get them to grow.  At night, I take my eye makeup off with extra care to not tug on the skin around the eye or to accidentally pull some lashes out.

Most of all, I've been LOVING a certain mascara cocktail.  Ever since my last birthday, I've been using Grow Luscious mascara by Revlon in black and in the waterproof formula (all my mascaras are always waterproof).  It claims to nourish your lashes and make them look longer and thicker instantly while making them literally grow over time.  Does it work?  YES.  People are always coming up to me and asking me if I'm wearing false lashes.  Nope!  Just a great product.  The brush/wand is huge but it really gets every single little lash and multiplies it times 10.

In conjunction with that, I've been using Lancome's Hypnose, also in black. I'm almost out and I'll be tempted to buy anther tube.  I don't know if I will due to the price ($25!) but if you can afford it, you won't regret it.  The wand/brush is super thin and does an amazing job at separating each lash.  The formula isn't as wet as Grow Luscious but isn't hard to work with, either.  I use this before and after Grow Luscious to get the lashes separated and in the general shape I want and then to comb through any (rare) clumps that might've shown up.  If you're looking for a good separating mascara but aren't willing to pay the price for Lancome, I suggest Cover Girl's Lash Blast (original, orange tube).

It's spring and perfect timing for a nice, fresh glow to add to your cheeks.  I've been going back and forth between two blushes: MAC's Pink Swoon and Benefit's Coralista.  Pink Swoon is a really nice, matte baby pink.  You don't need a lot because it's very pigmented and it stays on most of the day.  With just the right amount, you look fresh and awake but not like a overly made up doll.  Coralista is more of a peachy-pink with a definite shimmer.  One light dusting of this over your cheekbones will make them glow and stand out but with some building, you'll have a nice pink highlight (I used this recently on a bride and it looked amazing!).  Both are a bit on the pricey side- MAC's Pink Swoon is $18.50 and Benefit's Coralista is $28.

Two months ago, I was in real need of a good concealer.  The one I really liked was nowhere to be found and my color had changed so I was on the hunt.  I went to Sephora and remembered a video on Youtube I'd seen about the Kat Von D Tattoo Concealer.  I picked it up and swatched it on the back of my hand to see how much it'd cover.  To my amazement, it covered the tiny freckles I have on my hands and made that spot look amazingly even and perfect.  I knew I had to have it.  While it's a bit pricey ($25), it's worth it, considering the amount needed.  It's so concentrated that you only need a tiny dot for each under eye.  With finals coming up, it's definitely on my must list.

About a year ago, two of my friends participated in a hair show.  They came home with free haircuts and a bunch of free deluxe size products.  Most of the products my guy friend had no use for so he gave me the star of the bunch.  He had just taken me blonde and my hair was SUFFERING!  The ends felt like hay and certainly looked like it.  He suggested that I use it whenever I blew my hair dry.  It smells amazing and you only need a tiny, tiny bit at a time.  It's saved my hair through numerous colors, cuts and styles.  We're both convinced it's the reason my hair has felt thicker and healthier.  I'm going to need a new one soon!! :(  Schwarzkopf Bonacure Hair Therapy Repair Rescue is about $14, depending on where purchased.  

Lastly, as always I'm obsessed with nail polish! I can't get enough.  Seriously.  Pastels are soo in for Spring, so I had to jump on the bandwagon and grab a few.  With a tan, the colors really stand out but tanned or not, they're soo pretty!!  My favorite brand so far has been Revlon with two stand-out colors being Gum Drop and Jaded.  Revlon has a line of SCENTED polishes, too.  Even with a top coat, you can smell the scent for about 2 days.  The scent isn't necessary but it's just something a little extra.  Just don't get caught smelling your fingers..you might get some funny looks.

 

Listen to the whispers

While I went into great detail with the TMEA blog, I left out one thing. I left it out not because I'd forgotten it, but because I was ashamed of this moment. I couldn't ignore the fact that it'd happened but it didn't mean I had to talk about it. I'm known for not being able to keep things to myself (most of that is rumor, mind you) but there are things that I don't talk about at all because, really, I don't want to remind myself about them.

The last day of TMEA, Saturday, when I had that little emotional melt-down..? Yeah, that wasn't entirely about the stress of the concert and all that. It partly was but very little at that. Leading up to TMEA, I was always thinking about the fact that it was one of the last concerts I'd do with the boy (THE last concert he'll be singing with us is in 12 days), one of the last times... I just don't like that word, "last."

Every rehearsal I'd day dream about singing the last song standing next to him and reaching out for his hand as if to say "I'm going to miss you." Of course I never got up the courage to actually do that and during the actual concert, I was too much on auto-pilot to think of anything but the music. I thought my chance was gone as we were assigned new standing arrangements as soon as we got back and started rehearsing new material. But yesterday while going over the program order for the LAST concert of the semester, Brumley had us go over some pieces we did at TMEA..IN THE ARRANGEMENT WE WERE IN. That meant I got to stand next to the boy again. Instantly, I felt amazing, world-conquering, happy.  We sang four songs from memory, which was impressive, but I was still somewhat surprised that I felt the same exhilaration I felt on stage at TMEA.  I guess there's nothing like doing something you care about with someone you care about.

Rehearsals leading up to TMEA were my whispers.  (Watching OWN's Master Class with Oprah really brought whispers to light for me.  Whispers are when you experience something and go "oh," or "hmm.." or "that's odd."  And when you don't listen to the whispers, they just get louder and louder until you listen to them and do something about it.)  Because I didn't listen to them then, they came back and louder, giving me a second chance.  This next concert is my second chance- given we're in the same mixed arrangement.  I don't know if I'll actually reach out to him physically on stage during the last piece but I know for sure I'm going to give him a huge hug and tell him I'm going to miss him next year.

P.S.  YES, I'm planning on telling him soon.  As I tweeted, we're in charge of the decorations for the choir banquet so we'll probably be assembling center pieces together.  Perfect timing, no?