Sunk

I'm ready.

I've talked to enough people, psyched myself up for the big bomb dropping and I was completely ready- or ready as I'll ever be because I know I'll be nervous when I hear the words escape my mouth- for this weekend to be THE time. 

My parents left for Houston this morning and they'll be gone the whole weekened, the sisters could easily be occupied so it'd be the perfect scenario as alone time with the boy would be possible. 

But, of course, something came up.

At first, I asked around my group of friends to see who was free, to see if someone wanted to help me do a tiny, totally-not-wild, no-cops-show-up party (unlike last time..but we won't get into that).  Everyone I talked to said they were going out of town.  I assumed the boy was one of them but I figured I'd ask anyway.  He said he wasn't going with them, but was still going out of town.  My heart sunk.

...all this after an amazing choir rehearsal and being in the new seating arrangement- where I sit right next to him.

Later, he called to run a hair cut idea by me and we talked for a little while.  I asked how long he'd be gone; he said the entire weekend.  This time, he asked why and if I was asking because of the parents being gone.  I said sort of, not really.  I don't know if that got him thinking but I hope it did.

I thought for sure this weekened would be the time to tell him, with the convention/tour/concert(s) coming up.  See, my dream was to be together for the convention/tour.  We're talking hotel rooms, charter busses, the works, and walking around the exhibits hand-in-hand was just a blissful thought.  I really, really wanted it to happen but if I can't get a moment alone with him, it's probably not going to happen.  And as much as I know I'll beat myself up about it, I'll try not to.

...not to mention Valentine's Day the week we get back into town.  It'll probably be another one I spend single.

Keren

Pregnant

I'm nowhere near being ready to have kids.  Let me just preface this post with that.  That doesn't mean I don't want kids- because I do- but just not right now.  At least 6 more years.  There are definitely moments where I really, really want a baby but then I think about the things I want to accomplish before reproducing.  Sometimes I'm not even sure of that list.

However, lately I've been having lots of dreams.  I wouldn't call them recurring dreams, because they're never exactly the same, but they're all very similar: I'm pregnant.  I'm at a different place each time, with different people, the situation's always different but there's definitely a bun in the oven.  Last night's was...interesting.

In the dream, I was sitting in choir rehearsal at school (great, my ultimate goal- to be pregnant and not done with school...not!) in between songs.  Our director tells us to move out of our soprano, bass, tenor, alto seating arrangement and into our new mixed arrangement.  Now, in real life, we do have those arrangements; the mixed is for concerts so there's no one voice part sticking out from one particular side or section of the risers.  The new mixed arrangement is very mixed.  I stand close to two altos (that was inevitable as there are more altos than any other voice part) and two basses (one of which is the boy, he's exactly to my right).  So back to the dream, I go up to the top riser to sit next to the boy (although I think he might've been the husband in the dream) and he rubs my belly.  Cute, right?  Yeah, until the pregnancy hormones get the best of me...in the dream, of course.  I get upset because there's another girl in the choir who's pregnant but is showing more than I am.  She looks cute but I look...fluffy.

That's where I woke up, but that's just one dream.  I don't know why I keep having these dreams.  It's kinda cute but kinda weird.  I guess it's better than dreaming that my teeth fall out.

What recurring dreams do you have?

Keren

Chicken

I'm a complete chicken.  And I think waaaaaaaay too much.

If you don't believe me, let me show you some evidence.

I am deathly afraid of needles.
It takes a good pep talk to get me onto a roller coaster.
It's hard for me to flirt with any guy.
I'm always paranoid that someone will judge me.

Today was one of those days where my mind was racing but I couldn't, didn't want to get away from the situation.

First day back from Christmas/winter vacation and my Tuesday/Thursday classes went fine.  I know a good number of people in both classes as they are both core Communication classes.  I was completely fine until the end of the second class.  I was supposed to work out but I wasn't feeling it, hehe.  Instead, the boy called and we hung out for a while in the music building with some other friends from choir.  He mentioned that he had another class (to teach.  Yes, he's officially a professor now.  WEIRD!)  I didn't have anything else to do, so I asked if I could sit in on the class.  He said I could, so I walked with him to the lab in the library where the class was.  It was interesting to see him in action as a real teacher and all that.  Once it was done, we picked up some lunch from Subway and went to my house to eat it.

Now, you have to understand that most of the time I'm with him, so is my sister and maybe another friend.  It's rarely just us two.  And I'd promised myself that the next time I had a moment alone with him, I'd tell him what's been on my mind for the past year or so.  Yeah, the mind racing thing totally gets in the way of that.  I don't know why I'm so ready for it when he's not around and not when he is.  It's frustrating; I'm totally kicking myself right now.  I SO HAD IT.

I don't know why it is that I'm so afraid- if that's the right word- to tell him.  We're closer than ever, he's seen me in pj's with no makeup on, I've seen him crying and in physical pain but there's just something holding me back.  Am I just over thinking it and being paranoid that he'll be "whatever" about it or do I just need to tell him?  And bringing it up- ugh, that's another story.  I can't just be like, "Hey, wanna grab some lunch? Oh, and by the way, I'm in love with you."

I NEED SOME ADVICE, HERE!

Keren

(Hopefully) Rich in happiness

I've never been one to make new year's resolutions, let alone go through with them.  I just figured that I'd try to do better, work harder, learn more and simply grow up.  But isn't that our goal every day?  How is that somehow better than a resolution?

But this year is going to be different.  Yes, I still want to do those things that I just mentioned but there's one new thing added to the short list, something that I'm more than determined to go through with...in the next couple of days.

Now, don't get scared or roll your eyes at the following paragraph.  While it might read like an 80s movie screenplay/narration, it's truthful, my truth. So help me, God...please.

For over a year, I've been...uh, interested in a certain man-boy friend of mine.  While we've never even touched on the subject of us being anything more than friends, it's been on my mind.  A lot.  Before Thanksgiving, I promised myself I'd tell him.  I daydreamed about what he'd say, how he'd react,  how I'd react.  So far, I've only come up with a few opening lines but I'm sure they'll all go out the window when the moment arrives.

With him, I've already learned to allow differences.  Any good friend of mine knows what a monumental thing that is for me.  I've always had a list of things I wanted a significant other/husband to have and be, qualities, if you will.  That started when I was about 15.  My youth group leader was talking to us about being careful with who we give our hearts and bodies to, love, etc.  The exercise that went along with the lesson was to make a list of things we wanted in someone.  I wrote a few things, the usual: Christian, tall-ish, handsome, honest, truthful, well-dressed, funny- the basics.  But I also wrote that I didn't want or like tattoos, piercings, cursing, drinking or smoking.

Well guess what?  This man-boy is a culmination of the things I wanted and didn't want.  And I still want to be with him; I still feel the same way.  He's hilarious, truthful especially with the people he really trusts, 6'2, very well-dressed, very handsome (in my opinion), is musically inclined but has two pierced ears, curses for effect (not like a sailor but doesn't never curse) and socially drinks and smokes.

My close friends always told me that my list was too strict and that if I didn't leave room for exceptions, I'd never find a guy 'worthy' enough.  And they were/are right.  I was looking for the perfect man but no such man exists.  Don't get me wrong, though.  I'm not finding excuses for his imperfections; there are some things that definitely aren't perfect about him.  But in not 'dismissing' him for those imperfections made me look at myself before critiquing him or anyone else.  All those things I found fault in before are things I am or have been guilty of.  Blame the college experience or immaturity, I don't care.

So, in getting back to the resolution, I've decided that I need to tell him and come clean about everything.  In all truth, he probably knows.  While he might not be the most observant person on Earth, his close friends are, two of them being people I'm sure know.  I just need for him to hear it from me.

It's been the most frustrating thing- considering my schedule, his schedule, times, places and ears that don't need to hear my life story.  Hopefully, it'll be worth it.

Who knows what'll happen after that, his reaction or whatever.  But I'll know one thing for certain: my first new years resolution will be accomplished.

P.S. He's one of the boys in some of the pics on my background.  :)

Keren