Twirting..?

I'm getting predictable. My blog posts are always about one of three things: boys, Josh Groban or makeup. Not always in that order, but you get it.

Anywho, I've decided to finally come clean about something.

I'm over him.  There, I said it.  I guess I really did have to tell him either way.  We're still friends and all but there's just nothing there anymore.  And in retrospect, I think it's best that I don't have any feelings other than platonic for him.  As much as I know there's a good side to him, I'm finally woman enough to admit to myself that I can't fix him unless he wants to be fixed.  And he obviously doesn't want that.  That's why I'm afraid he's going to be alone for a long while.  But that's another story.

On the other hand, there's a new boy in the picture.  I met him about a year and half ago but we never really talked or got to know each other at all.  All I knew was that he was an acquaintance's best friend.  Then, right before I left for San Antonio for the Josh concert, there was a party at a mutual friend's house and we started talking.  I knew he had a Twitter account so I brought that up and made small talk.  He looked at my tweets on his phone and remembered I was going to a JG concert soon after and he brought up how he's a big fan and how he was totally jealous of my second row seats.  Now we tweet and text each other all the time (if you look at my timeline on Twitter, you'll see them.  His account is not private so you can even see his tweets to me, if that tickles your fancy).  Sometimes we're just having a conversation, other times it seems a little flirty...!

But what I really like the most is that he's like me enough to really get along and different enough to sort of balance each other out.  I don't feel pressured to be or act a certain way to fit into a certain niche.  I can be 100% myself and we can still enjoy each other's company.  That's something I rarely felt with the last boy.  We've even played house one time.  And NO, it's not what you're thinking.  We spent the night at a mutual friend's house with another friend one night; he made dinner and I made breakfast.  Hoooow cuuuttee..  :P

We'll see where this goes- I'm not too invested (yet) so I wouldn't be completely heartbroken if it went nowhere- but I just thought I'd let you all know about the situation (and that he has a Twitter, so no boy talk on there anymore..)

What do y'all think?

P.S.  5 weeks and 5 days!

Aha

The moment Oprah announced the 25th season would be their last, I knew I'd be learning a lot through the season.  I always learned something out of her shows but this last season would be something special.  And it was.  I don't think there's ever been anything or anyone to make me think so much, make me cry so much, make me want to be a better, more productive person.  So, needless to say, when the season finally ended, I was sad.  I still am.  I just can't imagine my afternoons without hearing her say something that I needed to hear.

Once thing that have influenced me for a long time end, I become a little obsessed over them.  Not in an unhealthy way, I just want to remember it for as long as possible and get every bit of good out of them as possible.  The Oprah Show was no exception.  So when I saw O Magazine at Walmart, I had to get it.  The June issue has her smiling and waving with the words "For the joy, the laughs, the lessons, the adventure of a lifetime...thank you!" across the picture.  Reading them, I could only feel like I should say the same thing back.

As soon as I got home, I poured over the articles.  At first I was fascinated with some makeover before and after pictures of the show's producers- nothing out of the ordinary for me, but then I saw an article about Laura Linney's "aha! moment."  She wrote about her dating experience(s) and finding what really makes a man.  Interesting, can't be bad, I thought.  She told a story about how she was attracted to and was in a relationship an attractive, athletic, intelligent man with a charismatic and commanding personality.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, thought so.  I kept reading.  

          "But one day, when we were out hiking the Appalachian Trail, we came across a mother whose child had fallen and scraped his knee.  They were both scared and panicking, practically in tears.  As we approached them, my date kept saying, 'They're fine.  They're fine.'  When he wouldn't stop to help, my heart just sank.  I thought, I don't want to kiss this man anymore.  

          That experience wasn't the first or last time a boyfriend didn't meet my expectations.  But I never made the connection between my own choices and these disappointments until I was sitting in my bathtub, where I do my best thinking, worrying about a good friend who was going through a difficult breakup.  Her ex was attractive and suave, everything about him seemed perfect, but he broke her heart in a reckless, uncaring way.  Suddenly it hit me: Charisma is not character.  A magnetic personality doesn't necessarily indicate a good heart.  I'd always assumed they went hand in hand.

          It was easy and natural for me -- especially in my youth -- to overvalue a light-up-the-room personality.  But now I realize I can't expect a friendship or romance to flourish if the person hadn't demonstrated strong character.  Traits like humility, courage, and empathy are easily overlooked -- but it's immensely important to find them in your closest relationships.  Perhaps my best proof of this is how I fell in love with my husband.  Early on in our relationship, I observed how special his friendships were to him.  When he saw any of his friends, he'd embrace them in a big bear hug.  I could see why: He was caring, dedicated, and generous with them.  I thought, This is a profoundly good sign.  And I was right."

Now, obviously I'm not saying you-know-who is heartless or hates children or anything like that; I know for a fact that he does, indeed, have a good heart, but it's the fact that he isn't exactly one to wear said heart on his sleeve, basically scared to show it, that worries me.  It's always worried me, actually.  To most people, he's standoffish, some would call him an a**hole.  But even with that and a few other negative things, I kept interest in him because there was and is something magnetic, exciting, intriguing about him.  Doesn't hurt that he's not bad on the eyes at all.

Until reading this article, it hadn't hit me that charisma is not character.  It was definitely the best AHA! moment I could've asked for at the perfect time.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I guess this whole ordeal was to teach me that one little sentence: charisma is not character.

Dear Josh

Getting to the AT&T Center five days ago had my head spinning.  I was about to finally see the one singer I'd followed for most of my teen years and all of my adult years so far in person!  It was truly the climax to my life as a Grobanite.

I knew I hadn't won the Meet and Greet with Josh, himself but sort of knowing the kind of person Josh is, I knew there was always a chance that he'd pop in on the VIP M&G.  You just never know with him.  He's that nice.  In the car on the way from the hotel to the arena, I was thinking about this and wondered what I would do, what I would say, how I would react if something like that happened.

And guess what- I couldn't think of a single thing to ask him.  Trivial questions like "what's your favorite color?" or "do you write your own tweets?" (which was one of the questions he answered at the concert) were all I could come up with and I knew the answer to all of them.  Call me a stalker, faithful fan, whatever you want.

The only alternative, however, was telling him something, not asking him anything.  I came up with a little speech that would probably fail me if I really met him but it was worth a try to have just in case:

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your voice with the world.  I know that sounds corny and generic but without you, I honestly don't know where I would be, what state of mind I'd be in.  The words of your songs and the emotion of your voice has kept me from feeling worthless and unloved.  Your music has brought me alive and kept me vibrant.  And through your online community, I've met some of the best people I know and because of them I'd had some of the best laugh-out-loud and heart warming moments of my life.  You've done more than you will ever realize and for that, I am forever grateful.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

                                                                            

One other thing (for Savanna)

So I just got a DM from Savanna (from the Josh episode of Oprah) about getting a link to my blog.  As I was typing it up, I remembered that I'd forgotten something that should've gone in the concert blog post.  So here it is.

After one of the AT&T center employees took us Gold and Silver package holders from the box office and began to lead us to "the VIP room," we all got in an elevator since it was a big elevator and only about 20 people so far.  My sisters and I had been talking to Kristal- the girl that was in front of us in line and the girl who we'd end up sitting right behind for the actual concert- and the subject of making friends online came up.  She said she'd only really talked to one girl from Canada and I told her about my MC girls.

And then I remembered Savanna.  Since that Oprah episode aired, we'd been chatting on Twitter ever so often and occasionally on Facebook.  I asked Kristal if she'd seen that episode while in the elevator with about 18 other Grobies, forgetting I was in the presence of said Grobies, and although Kristal said she hadn't seen it, I suddenly sensed all eyes on me.  No one said anything but I could tell they all wanted to know everything I was talking about, everything I'd ever discussed with Savanna.  I mean, I can't blame them...she HAS been serenaded by THE Josh!

That's something I couldn't wrap my brain around: the fact that people knew everything I knew about Josh, possibly more, let alone heard of the guy.

So yes, I've talking to Savanna...we're- dare I say it- friends.

There you have it, Savanna.  People were jealous I'd become friends with you.  Own it.  Love it.

:)

Straight to Me

Last night HAS to be one of the best nights of my life.  Some might think that that means I've lived a sad little life but YOU all know it doesn't mean that at all.  So let me start at the beginning...

I woke up at 6.  Showered, did my hair, makeup, the whole she-bang.  I finished packing and packed up the car.  We aimed to leave the house at 9:00 at the latest but that didn't happen.  We ended up leaving around 9:40 and stopped right away at a dollar store to get some glow sticks because some ladies on FOJG were talking about having glow pens but I thought that was kinda dumb..might as well get full-on glow sticks.  So after that, we finally hit the road.  I was tweeting most of the way up.  I lasted a good 2.5 hours until I fell asleep (I'd only had 3 hours of sleep...I was too excited).  

Once I woke up, we were just outside of San Antonio.  Our first stop was at the Hard Rock Cafe on the Riverwalk.  Like I said, I'd been tweeting most of the way up, so naturally I tweeted when we got to the restaurant, "Eating lunch at Hard Rock, keeping my eyes peeled for a certain curly-haired singer" when I got an @ reply from a friend saying he'd been spotted at the Rainforest Cafe only about a block down from where I was.  My friend, Manny, has a frat brother who works at the Rainforest Cafe and had let Manny know that Josh had been there about an hour earlier.  My parents were ready to leave Hard Rock and go to Rainforest but I told them that it'd been an hour before and Josh was probably already gone, that'd it be no use.  So we ordered and ate and then left to check in at the hotel.  

We stayed at the Hyatt since my dad gets a government workers discount (yay) but I really got a kick out of the fact that it's literally right next to the hotel Elew was staying at- he twitpic'd a picture of his view and I knew exactly where he was.  I still don't know if Josh was staying there too; I should've asked Darren.

We finally got the keys to the rooms and freshened up a bit.  I recurled some flat pieces of my hair and touched up the makeup and off we went to the AT&T center!  I couldn't hold still for a moment on the way to the arena.  I'd been waiting FIVE long years to be at this point and I didn't know if I was going to be able to hold it together.  Finally, we got to the box office where we were to pick up the tickets by showing the receipt and there, of course, was a line of obvious Grobies.  Tons of white-haired ladies in their Reebox and FOJG shirts were towards the front of the line and then there were a few youngish couples and then there were my sisters and I.  I wasn't sure if we were in the right line, so I asked the girl in front of us what the line was for.  She said it was for Silver and Gold hot ticket packages.  Done.  We were in the right place!  

We stood there and talked to the girl in front of us for a while.  Her name was/is Kristal, she's from SA and my age..only with a fiance and a baby.  We giggled about being "young" by Grobie standards but that we'd totally win Josh over before those old ladies did.  The line started to move and we got our tickets, a raffle ticket and a silver wristband for VIP.  We waited until everyone in line had their wristbands and tickets and then they took us to the VIP room on the 2nd floor.  As we walked in, we could hear piano tinkering and I couldn't tell if it was Elew or Mark or Josh but I like to think it was Josh.  :)  The hosts handed out tote bags, each with a reusable water bottle and a VIP pass on a lanyard which didn't really mean anything but we wore them excitedly anyway.  There was a nice little spread of food- veggies and dip, spring rolls, beef and chicken skewers, cookies, brownies, sodas and bottles of water.  There was also a cash bar but since alcohol makes me pee, I didn't want to risk it and I didn't have anything stronger than water.  We talked more with Kristal and I asked her if she knew anyone on the message boards/FOJG.  She said she occasionally talks to one girl from Canada but that's it so I told her about the MC and how we get together at least once a year.  She said she'd look for us...so I guess that means we should start posting again!

Having finished our food, we asked where the merch table was so we could beat the general admission crowd to it.  We had to go down a floor but it wasn't far so off we went.  The guy behind the table who helped me was kinda cute and we struck up a conversation about Josh's songs.  He said he wanted Josh to sing the song from Troy ("Remember" ..I might've been too quick to name it, haha!) because it's "epic."  I asked him about programs but he said they didn't get any but that they might have them for later dates.  Hopefully by the Philly concert!  We finished up buying stuff and went back to the room where the rest of the VIP people were.  They'd started the raffle but the prizes were the same thing I'd just bought so I wasn't really hoping I'd win anything and I wasn't disappointed when I didn't.  It was about an hour before show time, so we went down to the entrance level to start finding our seats.  Once we were seated, I twitpic'd a picture of my view of the stage and was starting to freak out a little.  It ended up really cool because Kristal was literally right in front of me so we kept talking.

Right at 7:30, Elew came out and began his songs.  He totally beats Josh when it comes to O faces.  This guy has it down but you can tell he's so into the music that it doesn't even matter.  By the end of his set, he was dripping in sweat and he'd only been on for 30 minutes.  

After that, there was in intermission and immediately, the crew wheeled Elew's piano off the stage and brought on a covered piano, a third set of drums and a mic stand- the one I knew that would get fondled lovingly.  Later, once everything was in place, they uncovered the piano and it was SHINY.  So shiny.  Shinier than my face on a hot summer day.  

It looked like the action was slowing down and they were just waiting for 8:30 to come so Josh could make his appearance but then I saw him.  A certain familiar face in black bossing the AT&T center security around.  DARREN!  Mind you, both my sisters and Kristal had gone to the bathroom so I was there by myself with no one to freak out to.  This was me: OMG!!!!!OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGMOGMGG!! sejfuhdifjolkjdjfiokefiorghwoerOMG!  I was tempted to get up and talk to him but there wasn't anyone to guard the purses and he was already being swarmed by Grobies.  Most of them seemed like they'd talked to him before but a few were taking pictures.  A few minutes later, the girls came back and I told them all about the situation.  Ana immediately said "You HAVE to take a picture with him!" and made me get up to do so.  I just didn't want to be another possibly annoying fan, you know?  But we ended up talking to him, Ana did most of the talking because I was a little starstruck but he was super nice and personable.  He asked us where we were from, said he knew some people from Brownsville, said it was "a rockin' city" and Ana joked that he should take Josh there.  I asked if I could take a picture with him and he asked "with ME?" as if he was surprised.  I know people ask him for pictures all the time but he's just a humble guy.  My sisters asked if he was married because he's handsome and nice..haha.  Yes, I said..I've seen a wedding ring before.  (By the way, I Googled him- yeah, get over it- and the guy's a total badass!!) <-- click the link!

Once that calmed down and we went back to our seats, we heard a lady talking about lunch on the Riverwalk and bumping into Josh so I asked her about it.  (It's kinda weird to go from having to explain WHO Josh is and what he does to being in a HUGE crowd of people who know just as much about him as I do.)  She said that yes, she went to a Grobie M&G lunch that had been planned on the FOJG boards and while they were eating, she just looked up and "there he was with Sweeney and his girlfriend!"  Mind you, she said it with a smile on her face.  

Isn't that like rules #1 and 2?  Never tell a single Grobie that you saw Josh with a possibly lady friend and never say that with a smile on your face???  BUZZ KILL.  With that, I suddenly lost all my excitement.  It was just gone.  Not that I was really thinking I had/have a chance with Josh or anything but still...come on, let me dream a little!  I asked her what the girl looked like, thinking it might've been Sam but she said it wasn't Sam OR Gail for sure.  Ana asked if she got pictures, meaning of Josh and Sweeney- totally not caring about this girl and the lady was offended that she even asked, thinking Ana meant of the girl, "we never post pictures of dates!"  Ugh, what a bitch.  I kept thinking about it and came to the conclusion that there was no way of knowing it was his GF..could be a friend for all we know.  Josh, himself, said at the concert that walking around on the Riverwalk made him bump into a lot of people he knows and people who know him.  Maybe she was one of those.

(Pics I found on FOJG.  I was literally a level above,  a block away and an hour late!)

Aaanyway, so there were two older ladies sitting behind us and I started talking to them, too.  They said we'll know when they're starting because the musicians come out and start playing Straight To You and then Josh will come out on the little stage in the middle of the arena.  Soon, exactly that happened.  I felt like I was ruining it for the people behind me by turning around before the musicians were done but whatever!  Josh came out and it was AAAAMMMMAAAZING! I couldn't believe he was real, that the situation was real.  I knew he was real, that he was an actual person but I just couldn't get it through my head that he was right in the same room as I was.  He sang Changing Colors, some other song I can't think of- Feb. Song, I think and then You Are Loved as he walked to the main stage- WHERE HE WAS EVEN CLOSER TO ME! UGH, I could've died right there and been fine with it.

The concert was kind of a blur as I was trying to get over the fact that he was real and REALLY close to me but a few songs really stuck out to me- Higher Window (which I totally moaned in anticipation REALLY loudly, making the two ladies behind us laugh) and Alla Luce.  They were amazing performances and ugh, he just could not have been better.  You really have to see him perform to really understand that.  Especially on Alla Luce, it's like someone edited the best videos of his performances together to make one mega good performance.  I was in awe.  

Another thing that happened was that he almost fell on stage.  He'd gone down to the side stairs to sing War at Home and was going back up to the main stage and tripped over one step.  Thankfully he caught himself but he smiled and probably wondered if we noticed.  YEP!  I felt like I'd been staring at him too hard and made it happen..  haha!

Later in the show, I noticed the girls sitting to our left were taking talent pictures but I'm not sure if they were aiming for crotch or his pocket.  Earlier, someone just off the little stage in the middle of the arena had given him a condom and he'd stuck it in his pocket. Well, his jeans were so tight that you could see the outline of the circle.  

I hope(d) it didn't make him think badly of us collectively.  He said we were gropey/grabby and we were the only show so far to not get a post-show tweet.  And then on top of it all, some girl toward the end of the show got as close to the stage as possible and handed him a sharpie and her ticket.  He looked at her and went, "Really?" seriously not amused, "I'm tired and we need to wrap this up.  Alright, I'll sign your ticket."  There's always one who has to ruin it for the rest. 

The last song he did was YRMU.  I was kinda dreading it because it WAS that song.  I don't even have it saved in any way on my computer, I knew I would prefer anything more but I LOVED IT.  He had us sing along for the last chorus and we were waving glow sticks and it was amazing!  I'd never enjoyed that song so much than I did then.

I never really believed people when they said he was better in concert until last night.  I mean, I assumed it'd be an experience I'd never forget but I didn't realize how in awe I'd be.  No wonder people follow him for dates after dates!  Sounds really corny but he really does have a gift that isn't really appreciated until you hear it in person.  I'm not even sure he realizes that.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL JULY 29TH!!  

It's gonna be a partaaayy!!

P.S.  We totally HAVE to find out where the busses are going to be after the show.  I missed my chance with this show so I can't miss the next.  Found more pics on FOJG:

The lady in black next to the one in light green was sitting next to me throughout the concert.  She's the one who refused to say where the busses were.)

And now we know what the busses look like!

Deep breaths: part 2

It's been three days since the big bomb-dropping and for the anxiety I experienced leading up to THE moment, I think I'm holding up pretty well.

Every time I think about Monday night (April 25th, the perfect date! ..for you Miss Congeniality fans), I can't help but get butterflies.  He's one of the few people boys I've actually been interested in to really listen to me, ask me for advice and actually take the advice.  Now, I'm not saying that that's what I want- for a guy to give me all the attention in the world (although a moment of that wouldn't be bad)- but it shows that he not only cares about me, but wants to know what I think.  Isn't that what girls complain about all the time, about their boys not caring what they think?

Considering the extreme negative reactions that could've happened, I think it went well, very well.  The only way it could've gone better was for the feelings to be mutual but I knew the chances were slim.  However, you have to really understand what he was like in high school.  I don't know how or why I was so infatuated with him during the high school years, but compared to that boy, he's a man now.  Sure he still has some occasional d-bag comments; the boy's not perfect, but he knows what he wants, what others need and does his best to meet those needs and wants.

Which is what brings me to the "raising twins" analogy he gave.  Again, you'd have to really know him to get that but I'll do my best to explain.  People who don't know him really well, even "good" friends only see the d-bag part of him.  He seems snooty, stuck up and heartless.  But there's much, much more to him.  It's a part he's hesitant to share because when he was younger, he was really close to his grandmother and then she suddenly died.  Since then, he only shows his true self to very, very few people.  He hates crying or showing any kind of real emotion in front of most people.  Even explaining why he wasn't completely ready for a real relationship to me the other night, got him a little misty-eyed.  Guess I'm not "most people."

Tuesday night, almost exactly 24 hours since the bomb-dropping, he texted me.  This was a huge relief to me.  You seriously have no idea.  I was worried that although he said it wouldn't be awkward that he'd hesitate to call or text, that it wouldn't be a complete shut-out but not like it was.

"Either I hate my school, my kids or my job."
"I think you hate the tediousness of preparing lectures, etc."
"Maybe.  I just feel like this isn't meant for me, like there's something bigger and better."
"I think so."
"Remind me of that every once in a while, okay?"

That last one had my biting my lip and throwing a hand over my heart.  And I kind of feel the same way when it comes to our relationship, like there's something more, bigger and better to come.  It's definitely something I've never felt before.




P.S. Tuesday night's Glee had a song that kind of personified this feeling: the mood of the song, the cautious excitement, "magic in the making."

Deep breaths

Yesterday started like any other day.  I went to school, had my morning class, killed some time before choir and had lunch, we had 30 minutes of choir since we're 99% done with everything there and then Brumley let us go.  Mondays I have a 4:25-7:00 class so I just hung around the choir room because I literally had nowhere to go for 2 hours.  The opera kids stayed, too because they have their tech week before their gala on Saturday so I was talking to two of my good friends (Victoria and Bree), also opera people.  

Most people left to get a snack or left for the day so we were openly talking about boys, THE boy to be exact.  Victoria and Bree both know that I've been wanting to tell him about everything for a while now and asked if I'd done it yet.  I said no, to which Victoria said, "You should do it today."  

Of course, at first I just kind of laughed and thought, "No, not today.  I'm not ready!" But she insisted that being SPONTANEOUS was/is the way to go.  And considering all the times I'd planned to just tell him and chickened out, I started to consider it.  It didn't give me time to back out but just enough to think of something to say.  They both talked me into it more and suggested that I call or text him when I got out of class, ask him to come over so we can talk about something that had been on my mind.  

So I messaged Kim on Facebook (haaaaaaay, Kim!), wanting to know what she thought I should do. She's been coaching me through all this; I don't know what I would've done without her.  I said that if she got the message before my class started and had a chance, to call me.  Not 20 minutes later, she called.  I told her what was going on and asked her how I should word things.  After she gave me a little pep talk, we hung up.

Once class started, I couldn't help but think about what I was going to say, whether I'd be nervous (who am I kidding? I knew I was going to be nervous) and how he'd take it, how he'd react.  I tried to pay attention to the presentations in class but I could only concentrate for so long before my heart would start pounding.

When I got home, not only was my whole family home but Joyce was here, too...but when is she not? :P Love you, Joyceeeee!  I texted Victoria and told her I was freaking out.  She said not to freak out, to take deep breaths and relax.  I did my best but the relaxing part was just not going to happen.  Deep breaths.

So I sent him a text, "Que haces?"  (What are you doing?)

"Nothing much.  What's up?"

"Um...I need to talk to you about some stuff."

"About what?"

"I fee like I owe you an explanation about something- sounds waaay more serious than it is. Would you be able to come over for a bit? You wouldn't have to come inside because everyone's home- even Joyce. It's just something I'd rather talk about in person."

"Explanation for what?"

"Don't asking questions. You'll understand later."

"Ask*"

"I know, I was gonna make fun of you for it. Haha."

"-_-"

"Is it gonna take a while? I have a lecture to prepare for tomorrow."

"No, I won't take you away from your adult responsibilities."

"Alright, I gueesssss I'll head over in a bit."

"Don't get out of the car.  Just tell me what you're here."

"Ok..?"

"Reduces the awkward."

"You're making me not want to go over."

"It's not bad."

-15 minutes later-

"Bring room temp water?  :)"

"Here?"

"Yup."'

So I went outside to talk to him, my heart beating faster than before, my speech shaky and I assume my body language tense.  

As soon as we were done, I messaged Kim with everything we'd talked about.  I think that captures the way I was feeling at the moment perfectly, so I'm just copying/pasting the exact message I sent her.  Note the lack of paragraphs or proper grammar.

I did it.

I finally did it. I sent him a text when I got home at 8 and asked what he was doing. He said nothing, so I told him I needed to talk to him about something. He instantly got scared- I could sense it through texting. I said it's not bad but that it needed to be in person. He said he'd be over in a bit and about 15 minutes later, he was outside. I'd told him not to get out of the car but just to text me when he was outside. My whole family and even a friend was at home so I didn't want to make it awkward or have people listening with a glass behind my door. So I got the text saying he was here and I went out. As soon as I got in the car, I felt all the blood rush to my face, chest and arms. My mouth went dry and I was short of breath...not to mention my heart beat (which I made him feel later *wink*). So I started with the story about our last day in San Antonio for the choir trip and how he saw me get emotional and reminded him how I said I'd tell him later. He said "I'm guessing it's later..?" Smart boy. I took a deep breath and said "You have to know that I value our friendship and that I'd never do anything to jeopardize it, so you have to understand why it took me so long to get to this point. I care about you as a friend but it's...more than that, too. I don't want you to feel awkward towards me now that you know. I think it took me a while to say something- over a year- because I was afraid you'd think of me the way you did in HS, but I'm a completely different person now and knowing what girls you've liked in the past intimidated me because they're almost perfect looking and in my head I just can't compete with that." Then he said "I'd be dumb to not pick up on all of this but I didn't realize it was to this extent." He wasn't freaked out at all- good, right? "Don't worry about it getting awkward; I'm not going to stop talking to you because you've told me all of this. But to be brutally honest (this is where I braced myself for it), I can't give myself to anyone until I can love myself." I about died here. "You mean about the way you look?" "Yeah, and that I didn't go to school for what I wanted... It'd be wanting to nurture someone else and love them the way they should be but at the same time learn to love myself. It'd be like raising twins alone." <-- Glad I didn't mention I want twins. So I said "I don't think you're unattractive at all and I don't know what you see but it's definitely not what I see or what other people see. You have your stuff together, you graduated in 3 years, you're working two jobs..*" "See? I don't see what others do. I need to work on myself first." <-- very mature, I thought. I also told him that I get upset/annoyed with Ana and other girls who try flirting with him to show that I care about that, too. Basically, he took it well. It wasn't a no, I don't like you at all but it wasn't a green light, either. He said something about my mom not liking him but I explained that it's her way of defending me considering the HS situation. She hasn't given him a fair shot and I realize that. I don't know, if something happens where I say something that shows I care, at least now I won't have to explain things, he'll know where it's coming from. He said that it takes some real big girl panties to do something like that and I guess he was impressed that I'd put myself on the line just to tell him. Guess now the ball's in his court.

*right here, P!nk's "F**kin' Perfect" came on the radio...look up the lyrics!

After a night to sleep on everything, I'm honestly proud of myself.  It wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do but I'm glad I proved to him and myself that I can do something like that if I feel strongly enough.  I was thinking about it today during class (I really need to start paying more attention) and I got all teary-eyed!  I don't exactly know where that came from but maybe it's relief..?  Fear of the unknown future?  I have a feeling I'll eventually let a good cry out but it'll be anything but sad.  I know for sure that that's not what I'm feeling. 

I haven't heard from him at all today which isn't exactly out of the ordinary but at the same time it's not completely ordinary.  I'll see him for sure tomorrow, as we have choir again tomorrow so we'll see how that goes.  

I'll just have to remember: deep breaths.

Favorites

So I'm thinking of changing things up a little.  Sometimes there are some products (beauty or otherwise) that I get obsessed with and find myself telling everyone about.  "Beauty gurus" on Youtube are known for monthly favorite videos/blogs, so this will kind of be a nod in that direction but those girls buy a lot of new products every month and therefore have different favorites each month.  I don't buy anything that often, so while I might favor something over another one month, I don't expect to have completely different favorites each month, so these posts might not be monthly.  Just a heads up.

This month, so far, I've been really into lashes.  Not so much false lashes (don't get me wrong, those have a special place in my heart and in my makeup collection) but in taking care of my own and trying to get them to grow.  At night, I take my eye makeup off with extra care to not tug on the skin around the eye or to accidentally pull some lashes out.

Most of all, I've been LOVING a certain mascara cocktail.  Ever since my last birthday, I've been using Grow Luscious mascara by Revlon in black and in the waterproof formula (all my mascaras are always waterproof).  It claims to nourish your lashes and make them look longer and thicker instantly while making them literally grow over time.  Does it work?  YES.  People are always coming up to me and asking me if I'm wearing false lashes.  Nope!  Just a great product.  The brush/wand is huge but it really gets every single little lash and multiplies it times 10.

In conjunction with that, I've been using Lancome's Hypnose, also in black. I'm almost out and I'll be tempted to buy anther tube.  I don't know if I will due to the price ($25!) but if you can afford it, you won't regret it.  The wand/brush is super thin and does an amazing job at separating each lash.  The formula isn't as wet as Grow Luscious but isn't hard to work with, either.  I use this before and after Grow Luscious to get the lashes separated and in the general shape I want and then to comb through any (rare) clumps that might've shown up.  If you're looking for a good separating mascara but aren't willing to pay the price for Lancome, I suggest Cover Girl's Lash Blast (original, orange tube).

It's spring and perfect timing for a nice, fresh glow to add to your cheeks.  I've been going back and forth between two blushes: MAC's Pink Swoon and Benefit's Coralista.  Pink Swoon is a really nice, matte baby pink.  You don't need a lot because it's very pigmented and it stays on most of the day.  With just the right amount, you look fresh and awake but not like a overly made up doll.  Coralista is more of a peachy-pink with a definite shimmer.  One light dusting of this over your cheekbones will make them glow and stand out but with some building, you'll have a nice pink highlight (I used this recently on a bride and it looked amazing!).  Both are a bit on the pricey side- MAC's Pink Swoon is $18.50 and Benefit's Coralista is $28.

Two months ago, I was in real need of a good concealer.  The one I really liked was nowhere to be found and my color had changed so I was on the hunt.  I went to Sephora and remembered a video on Youtube I'd seen about the Kat Von D Tattoo Concealer.  I picked it up and swatched it on the back of my hand to see how much it'd cover.  To my amazement, it covered the tiny freckles I have on my hands and made that spot look amazingly even and perfect.  I knew I had to have it.  While it's a bit pricey ($25), it's worth it, considering the amount needed.  It's so concentrated that you only need a tiny dot for each under eye.  With finals coming up, it's definitely on my must list.

About a year ago, two of my friends participated in a hair show.  They came home with free haircuts and a bunch of free deluxe size products.  Most of the products my guy friend had no use for so he gave me the star of the bunch.  He had just taken me blonde and my hair was SUFFERING!  The ends felt like hay and certainly looked like it.  He suggested that I use it whenever I blew my hair dry.  It smells amazing and you only need a tiny, tiny bit at a time.  It's saved my hair through numerous colors, cuts and styles.  We're both convinced it's the reason my hair has felt thicker and healthier.  I'm going to need a new one soon!! :(  Schwarzkopf Bonacure Hair Therapy Repair Rescue is about $14, depending on where purchased.  

Lastly, as always I'm obsessed with nail polish! I can't get enough.  Seriously.  Pastels are soo in for Spring, so I had to jump on the bandwagon and grab a few.  With a tan, the colors really stand out but tanned or not, they're soo pretty!!  My favorite brand so far has been Revlon with two stand-out colors being Gum Drop and Jaded.  Revlon has a line of SCENTED polishes, too.  Even with a top coat, you can smell the scent for about 2 days.  The scent isn't necessary but it's just something a little extra.  Just don't get caught smelling your fingers..you might get some funny looks.

 

Listen to the whispers

While I went into great detail with the TMEA blog, I left out one thing. I left it out not because I'd forgotten it, but because I was ashamed of this moment. I couldn't ignore the fact that it'd happened but it didn't mean I had to talk about it. I'm known for not being able to keep things to myself (most of that is rumor, mind you) but there are things that I don't talk about at all because, really, I don't want to remind myself about them.

The last day of TMEA, Saturday, when I had that little emotional melt-down..? Yeah, that wasn't entirely about the stress of the concert and all that. It partly was but very little at that. Leading up to TMEA, I was always thinking about the fact that it was one of the last concerts I'd do with the boy (THE last concert he'll be singing with us is in 12 days), one of the last times... I just don't like that word, "last."

Every rehearsal I'd day dream about singing the last song standing next to him and reaching out for his hand as if to say "I'm going to miss you." Of course I never got up the courage to actually do that and during the actual concert, I was too much on auto-pilot to think of anything but the music. I thought my chance was gone as we were assigned new standing arrangements as soon as we got back and started rehearsing new material. But yesterday while going over the program order for the LAST concert of the semester, Brumley had us go over some pieces we did at TMEA..IN THE ARRANGEMENT WE WERE IN. That meant I got to stand next to the boy again. Instantly, I felt amazing, world-conquering, happy.  We sang four songs from memory, which was impressive, but I was still somewhat surprised that I felt the same exhilaration I felt on stage at TMEA.  I guess there's nothing like doing something you care about with someone you care about.

Rehearsals leading up to TMEA were my whispers.  (Watching OWN's Master Class with Oprah really brought whispers to light for me.  Whispers are when you experience something and go "oh," or "hmm.." or "that's odd."  And when you don't listen to the whispers, they just get louder and louder until you listen to them and do something about it.)  Because I didn't listen to them then, they came back and louder, giving me a second chance.  This next concert is my second chance- given we're in the same mixed arrangement.  I don't know if I'll actually reach out to him physically on stage during the last piece but I know for sure I'm going to give him a huge hug and tell him I'm going to miss him next year.

P.S.  YES, I'm planning on telling him soon.  As I tweeted, we're in charge of the decorations for the choir banquet so we'll probably be assembling center pieces together.  Perfect timing, no?

Concert day

Our director, Mrs. Brumley, isn't exclusive to the Master Chorale. She's also been the director of a community choir called the South Texas Chorale for the past 20 years. Today was her farewell concert with that choir. Sadly, no director has stepped up to take her place, so this was also the farewell concert for the South Texas Chorale.

After TMEA, she made the announcement to us that she was leaving STC but made sure we knew she wasn't leaving our choir (she loves that job too much).

Today's concert was mainly Mozart's Requiem which is all in Latin and about a 40 minute work (and we learned it in about a month and still had to help STC though they'd been working with the requiem since January). It's similar to Handel's Messiah in that there are individual songs that make up the whole work, aren't usually performed in its entirety and have at least one very famous part. Apart from that, we opened with "Surely The Lord Is In This Place," then after the requiem, we did "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and closed with our traditional benediction, "The Lord Bless You and Keep You," which had the STC and Mrs. Brumley in tears.

It was definitely special seeing Mrs. Brumley end her tenure with the STC and made me even more grateful to have her stay with us. It made me both dread and look forward to the next concert (April 17) where they'll recognize the graduating seniors (the boy and another friend). I'll definitely cry during "The Lord Bless You.." at that concert.

I had Tina record the hymns and the benediction from the balcony:

My night

Might have to raise your volume.

(And excuse the partial vocal cracks/pitchiness...he was the most nervous I've ever seen him...even more than singing in front of thousands at TMEA.)

A sign

I decided to not go to my one class today (my dark circles had bags and those bags had bags) so I slept in a little. It wasn't until my dad busted into my room, all nervous and holding his bow tie, needing me to help him with it that I realized it was dreaming...and it wasn't exactly my favorite dream. But boy, was it real!

I guess I and the rest of my friends, mostly choir people, were in San Antonio and staying at a hotel similar to the TMEA situation where we were all kind of "neighbors." There was a rumor going on in the dream that there were people being killed in the hotel but no body would be found, they'd just disappear. We didn't think anything of it until me and two other girls were walking down the hallway to our rooms and bumped into another girl from our group. She said hi to the two other girls but not to me. I thought it was weird but didn't question it until we got to a mirror that was on the wall next to the elevator. I could see perfect reflections of the two girls but mine was distorted, almost like I was transparent. I moved around to see if it was just a spot on the mirror or something but it wasn't. I knew I'd been killed somehow and was now just a ghost. No one knew I was there because they couldn't see me and I guess they thought I was somewhere else.

I just sat there, right where I was, and cried and cried. I mourned all the things I was to become and all the opportunities lost, the fact that I'd never graduate from college, never get married, be truly intimate with someone I loved, never have kids, etc. It just felt too soon, so much so that part of me denied the fact that I was dead. I decided to find my parents and my friends to tell them- if I could. How could they hear or talk to me if I wasn't visible, just a silent presence? For some reason, I never found my sisters but I found my parents. I tried talking in a whisper- I guess out of nervousness and being so emotional- and that didn't work; they didn't hear a thing. Then I tried talking louder, almost screaming and my mom heard me. She didn't know how to react when she heard me saying "Mom!" She knew it was me but didn't know where my voice was coming from. I suddenly felt like there was a time limit to how long I could communicate with her, so I just yelled "I love you." She smiled and kept doing whatever it was she was doing. My dad, who had been sitting and reading next to her, didn't hear a thing. For some reason, I exhaled through my mouth, blowing towards him like you do as you exercise. The small breath turned into a big gust of wind and I could see his collar flapping and his hair moving. It was like if I tried hard enough I could be responsible for a hurricane. I could tell he knew something- someONE- was trying to tell him something but my mom was sure to fill him in on what she'd heard. I left, feeling only just a little bit accomplished. I didn't want to even try to tell them the little more I knew because I didn't want to make them sad.

I kept walking down the hall to a room that ended up being a restaurant/bar in the hotel. I looked around to see if I knew anyone and only one face was familiar. Now, honestly, would you be surprised if I said it was the boy? I think not. So yeah, it was him. He was sitting there alone, eating something. I sat on the stool next to him and just looked at him. I was sad for anything that could have been but mostly that I'd never gotten up the courage to fully tell him everything. In that moment I had nothing more than admiration, respect and love for him. Then, as if in a movie, he looked to his right, where I was sitting and looked straight at me. I remembered that people couldn't see me anymore so I figured he was looking through and past where I was. But then he looked me straight in the eye and said "There you are!" like he'd been expecting me.

Then my dad busted into my room needing help with his bow tie and I woke up. I knew I didn't need any kind of dream dictionary or to question whether this dream had meaning to it. I don't know when or where, but I'm going to tell him. This is definitely a sign.

Just for craps and giggles

Just about every time someone sees me doing my makeup, they ask "How do you do that?!" asking about my eyeliner.  (*ahem*, Kim at the last convention)  I've always said I'd keep an eye out for a good example or just show you all myself, so I finally found one.

I'll probably eventually get my YT account up and running and show you myself for real but this is almost exactly how I do it.  This is almost exactly the way I do my whole face (other than the lashes...those are just for special occasions).

A month later

Think of this as the sequel to my last post.

It's almost a month exactly from our TMEA concert and we're still getting letters, e-mails and huge compliments.  Our director is still riding the high and so are we.  She told us about how she went to Houston to clinic a choir there and as soon as she got off the plane, her friend and another choir director gushed about the concert before even saying hello.  Apparently we were the talk of the convention.

Some of you (*ahem* Kim) were asking about a video of the actual performance and this is the best I can do as of now.  We ordered CD/DVDs of the actual performance but those won't be in until next month at the earliest.  There are no Youtube videos of the performance as TMEA has a strict copyright rule against taking video during performances.

The following videos were made by the media team that tagged along with us on our trip.  They're in order as you'll see.  Some of the videos show us singing, so it's a taste of the DVD I'll eventually get.  (Mallows, should I bring the DVD to the conv.?  Is that dumb? haha)










...oh, and I cut my hair...again.

Time of my life

I can't believe it's been almost a week since our big concert in San Antonio.  (And I can't believe I start every frickin post with "I can't belive.."!)

Around this time last week, we were having dinner in our hotel rooms and laying low, not wanting to risk being out in the cold air the night before our concert.  Our director, Mrs. Brumley (Brum, for short...only we NEVER call her that to her face) said we could only go out if we had to, grab a quick something to go for dinner and stay in.  The wind chill was in the 20s and definitely no condition for vocalists.

Let me backtrack, though.

Day 1, Tuesday - I woke up around 4:30 am, the butt crack of dawn.  I showered, got ready and did some last minute packing.  I went over the list of things I'd need and Ana and I had everything- all 8 bags worth of things.  Before you judge me, know that for one, I'm an over-packer...yeah, alright, most girls do it.  Secondly, we had to make sure we had not only nice school clothes for every day wear, all girly toiletries, "feminine products" since I'd frickin gotten my period the day before we left, our formal concert attire, our casual concert attire, coats, jackets, scarves and then we chose to bring a little ice chest for snacks and breakfast so we could sleep in and not have to spend money on breakfast (totally worked out for me; I saved $60!)

So off we went to school, outside of the Arts Center where two charter busses were waiting.  We loaded our luggage into the compartments on the lower level of the bus and took the rest of our stuff with us on the bus- our garment bag with both sets of uniforms, jackets, coats, the ice chest and our usual purses.  We traveled for a while, about 3.5 hours until we got to Corpus Christi, where we were to perform a recruitment concert at Del Mar College- a junior college- for their music students.  It wasn't a big audience but the acoustics were completely dead, so it ended up being a good experience and rehearsal for us.  We had to learn to adjust to any setting, especially since we didn't know how we'd sound in the ballroom we were to have the big concert in on Thursday.  We performed our entire concert for the small group of students that showed and they just ate it up.  We knew they hadn't expected much from a school they'd never heard of before.  They especially didn't expect a choir of 57.

After the concert, we changed and drove to a mall within the city for lunch and some light shopping.  Brum said we shouldn't shop but since she'd given us 2.5 hours for lunch, what else were we supposed to do after we were done eating?  Luckily it wasn't a huge mall or an outdoor mall, so there wasn't a chance of getting lost or anything like that.  Once we were done there, we got back on the bus and watched the first half of the second season of Glee all the way to San Antonio.  We arrived at the hotel, The St. Anthony about 3 hours later.  Once we'd had a chance to settle in, we decided to find some dinner.  A group of us decided to explore the street our hotel was on and found a little deli/sandwich shop next to a Walgreen's, where I did some light girly shopping (*giggle*).  Once our orders were ready, we all sat down in the restaurant to watch the new episode of Glee, which was...interesting.  Of course, I somehow ended up sitting next to the boy, watching the Valentine's Day episode.  I had to listen to him talk about how hot Santana is/was.  *eyeroll* haha!

After getting back to the hotel, some girls wanted to do their nails and asked if I had brought nail polish remover.  DUH.  We ended up with 8 people in our room, some doing nails, some just talking and hanging out.  The boys came over, too.  We were super hyper.  I guess it was just lack of sleep but we were silly to the max.  As I had unpacked and was on my period, I'd brought some of those hideous huge, jumbo, overnight pads that almost literally go from the bellybutton to the middle of the back.  I'd left them on the side of the tub next to the toilet and as the boy was going into the restroom to grab something, he freaked out and demanded to know why we had tub pillows and his room didn't.  I died laughing.  So much so that I couldn't explain what they were.  He ran out of the bathroom to tell the others and the other girls died of laughter, too.  He really didn't know that they weren't pillows until we stopped laughing.  Soon after, he and another guy friend had a race to see who could unscrew one of the posts from the bed the fastest and who could use said post into the most "costume" items.  Unicorns, "happy" boy, jousting polls, you name it.

Day 2, Wednesday - I woke up to my alarm clock ringing around 8 am.  We were supposed to be in the lobby at 10 to head over to a local high school for another recruitment concert/"formal" rehearsal.  As I showered and started to get ready, my phone rang with a text.  "You up?" from the boy.  "Yeah."  "I'm on my way."  He and Gilbert were staying just a few doors down the hall.  Within a couple minutes, the doorbell rang (yes, a doorbell! fancy-ass hotel).  Ana was still in bed and I was in clean pj's, wet hair and no makeup on.  I answered the door and did my best to cover up my lack of bra but then again, he's seen me like that before.  Oh well.  He had a sleepy, puffy smile on and waltzed right in, "Can I borrow some toothpaste?"  Of course he didn't bother bringing his own...but he couldn't use Gilbert's?  I still don't understand that.  This would become a daily occurrence.  We talked a little as I blew my hair dry and he brushed his teeth.  That felt normal, for some reason, like we always do that.  Anyway, he left after he was done and once Ana and I were ready, met everyone in the lobby and off to the HS we went.  This time, our audience was students, but they weren't only from that HS, but from other schools close by.  We omitted two songs from the concert order for that performance because Brum thought they were too taxing on our voices so close to the big concert.  She said not to give it 100%, not even 90%.  THAT was Thursday.  Once it was over, the kids gave us a standing ovation.  A boy in the front row started it; he looked so inspired and in awe.  It was amazing.

After we left the HS, we changed on the bus and went to a mall called North Star Mall.  We were supposed to go to a higher end mall but since that's an outdoor mall and it was still in the 20s, Brum decided against it.  I knew going to North Star would mean dropping some bucks since they have both a MAC and Sephora.   MAC left me underwhelmed but Sephora got some nice business from me.  One of the salesmen was impressed with how much I knew about the different products and laughed when I said I learned everything I knew from Youtube.

Later that night, we changed into our nice clothes for the TMEA President's Concert featuring The Swingle Singers.  They're a completely a cappella group and are AMAZING.  The funny thing was that one member looked JUST like the boy.  He had the same mannerisms and everything.  It was almost creepy.  See if you can spot him in the vid!  

Getting to the concert, however was somewhat of a challenge.  Something happened to me, along with 10 other choir members and two hotel guests.  We packed an elevator with 13 people on the way down to meet everyone in the lobby before the Swingle Singers' concert.  Just as it was about to reach the lobby, the elevator just stopped.  We'd heard that that had happened to some other people who were staying at the hotel but they said it started working again after a minute.  So we waited and then started pushing buttons and one of the girls called Brum.  None of the buttons worked and Brum didn't answer. Eff.  Finally, we called Gilbert and he told the people behind the reception desk what had happened.  He'd completely lucked out as he was going to get into the same elevator but decided to wait for the boy instead.  Suddenly, we heard voices and I recognized it.  It was the boy asking if we were okay.  He said the engineer was there, trying to get us out.  They kept asking what floor we were on but we couldn't tell since the lit numbers signaling the floor levels weren't on at all.  Finally, they were able to open the doors and we just had to step up about 2 feet and we were free...much to the excitement of everyone, especially the two hotel guests.

At the concert, Ana and I sat in front of Brum and her husband and we chatted most of the time before the concert started.  She was all excited because a few days prior, her first grandchild had been born; she squealed over new pictures and everything. She wanted to go see the baby girl right away but her son insisted that she stay and prepare her choir.  He's a band director, so he understood completely.

After we got back to the hotel, a few of us ordered pizza and all gathered in another set of sisters' room (there are three sets of sisters in Master Chorale).  This was the night Brum INSISTED that we not go out unless we had to, so we stayed in.  Gilbert and the boy did their own thing; I think they went out with some other people from choir but ended up having a crappy time.  They said the should've stayed with us. Ha!

Day 3, Thursday - Again, the morning routine, the boy asking for toothpaste and all.  It was finally concert day but first, we had a rehearsal at First Baptist Church San Antonio since every ballroom in the convention center was booked.  Plus, Brum wanted a somewhat private rehearsal as the composer to our big, "cutting-edge" piece had flown in the night before to be there for our concert.  Mark Adamo rode the bus with us to the church and heard us warm up and perform his composition.  I was nervous to see his reaction; he could've been snooty and said "no, no, all wrong" but he didn't.  As soon as we'd finished, he giggle and jumped up and down.  He had very minor suggestions but said we'd captured the spirit of the piece and everything he wanted to emphasize while composing it.

 

Mark Adamo was nice enough to take pictures with each one of us and sign our scores.  We always have to turn our music in when we're done with it, but Brum said we could keep this one song.  :)

We got back on the bus and back to the hotel for a little buffer time before our soundcheck in the ballroom where the concert was to be held.  I took advantage of the time; I did my hair and helped another girl with her makeup.  The boy helped Ana do her hair; that took longer than it did for me to do my hair, makeup and help the other girl.  Then we had our soundcheck.  A few people were around, some of Brum's friends and directors at other universities around Texas but there definitely wasn't a crowd.  We started the opener, Man singet mit Freuden vom Seig by Bach and the lady who was presenting our choir literally dropped her jaw.  She tossed the f word, FABULOUS, around said we were definitely ready for the concert.  The room was very live, meaning that sound traveled very well; it was just like singing in the concert hall back home.  We were surprised since the room is carpeted but it still sounded amazing.  We were totally going to kick ass.

After, we returned to the hotel to get into our formal attire.  I threw my pearl jewelry set on- part of the girls' uniform- and my dress, grabbed my music and I was out the door.  We all loaded the busses for the concert of our lives.   Brum led us to a holding room where she introduced the chair of the music department, Dr. Urbis and the provost, Dr. Artebesis.  They both spoke to us about how we've put the school on the map and have brought recognition to the school, more than any other organization on campus.  Then, the head of campus media spoke about Mark Adamo and presented him with a framed picture of the Master Chorale, thanking him for devoting his time to his passion and for flying down just for our concert.  He was very grateful and almost cried.  Super cute.  All the girls wanted him for their gay best friend.  Haha!

We waited about an hour, warmed up a little bit and then we were walked the back way to an entrance and then directly onto the stage.  As I stood right next to the boy, I talked to him a little on the way about how I was nervous and stuff.  He said he was even more nervous for this than all four years of HS as he'd made all-state those four years.  This was on a whole different level.  As we waited to walk on stage, I wiggled my fingers behind my back as to say "OMG!" to him, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it.  It wasn't a full cupped hands thing or anything, but it was something.  :)  

As I walked onto the risers and looked at the audience, I looked for my family.  Earlier, my mom had called and said she wouldn't be able to go because the lady that was supposed to take care of my grandma had backed out last minute and she couldn't find anyone else.  I saw my dad, my sister, Joyce, even my uncle and aunt who live in SA...and then she waved.  My mom had driven up last minute just for the concert.  This would've been the first concert of ours she'd miss.  I almost cried then and there but held it in and concentrated on other faces in the crowd.  I picked out my former choir directors, UTB administrators and professors and some friends of my dad's.  Soon, Brum walked on to the stage and the piano started.  I could tell our accompanist was nervous as he clunked the opening notes and Brum looked at him out of the corner of her eye.  But soon, the basses came in, then the tenors, and then us altos and then the sopranos.  We sang the snot out of the Bach and the audience roared with applause.

The rest of the concert went on with little to no hitches.  I made sure I wasn't on auto pilot and thought about everything we'd talked about in rehearsal.  I remembered what Brum said before we finished rehearsal at the church earlier, "All my adult life I'd dreamed about a certain choir.  This is that choir.  Thank you."  I think all we wanted, more than anything else, was to make her proud and to make every stressful moment well worth the trouble.

When the last chord of the last song was sung, the audience jumped to their feet and applauded for minutes.  It was overwhelming.  I'd never seen Brum so proud.

We walked off stage and talked with the audience for a while.  After, we loaded the busses, changed again and were off to Mi Tierra, a Mexican restaurant we've taken Malorie to before.  It's seriously Mexico on crack.  We immediately ordered up some jumbo margaritas in celebration and our meals.  After a few sips, some of us were a little...happy.  Nothing serious, just happy.  Brum got up and suggested we sing the Alma Mater and The Lord Bless You and Keep You.  We usually finish concerts with the later song but didn't for TMEA.  It would've been a crime to not sing it that night at all.  So she stood up on her chair and directed both songs.  The other people at tables around us applauded after and wanted more.  One of the ladies sitting with Brum got a call from the president of the university and apologized for not being able to be there; she was in Austin, fighting for UTB funding.  We sang the Alma Mater again for her.  Later she said in a text to Brum that it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever 

heard and it made her cry.

    

It was an amazing night.

Day 4, Friday - Usual morning routine, breakfast on our own (for us, in our room), the boy came for toothpaste and all.  That day, we were the demonstration choir for a workshop being held for the convention.  It was a workshop on voicing a choir according to the timbre and tone of each voice to make a section and therefore a choir sound its best.  Brum wanted us in our formal uniforms again, so that meant full hair and makeup, too.  It wasn't a big deal but the guy who was giving the workshop made a big deal of our concert the night before and raved for a while.

We had the afternoon and evening off, so my parents leant us the suburban so we could drive to another mall, the mall we were supposed to go to earlier in the week.  And boy, did we pack that car full!  The boy drove since he's used to SA's crazy roads, Gilbert was in the passenger seat, I was behind him, and then we had 2 people in my row and then 4 people in the back row. Once we got there, Ana and the two other girls that went headed off to Forever 21, Gilbert walked around with 2 guys, Eddie and Peter and I went off with the boy and another friend, Anthony.  That was when I tweeted that thing about the boy trying on pants..yeah, that was interesting.  I think we really bonded that day; he told me about some plans he had for the future, possibly getting another bachelors, in music and asked if I would move to Houston or Dallas.  I'm not sure if he meant with him or not.  I wish we'd had more time to talk like that.

Once 7 rolled around, we started heading back.  The other college choir was performing that night and we wanted to see what they were doing.  Once we got there, their programs were kinda ghetto and very plain, their first few songs were boring as all heck but they did it well (but with no heart) and all by memory.  Brum was in the audience, too.  Later she said she didn't think we'd taken a back seat to them at all.  WOO! 

After, we headed over to the UTB alumni reunion.  It was a small room and the Master Chorale filled up about half of the room alone.  They had asked us to sing the Alma Mater and The Lord Bless You.  That room ended up being very live, too and since it was itsy, we sounded monstrous.  They wanted more, so we ended up doing 2 of the a cappella pieces that were also crowd pleasers for them, too- Softly and Tenderly/Sinner Man. (<-- I dunno of that link will work...hopefully! If it does, turn up the volume..that's how we sounded.)

When we were finished, we were free for the night.  The boy and some friends wanted to go to a club but I wasn't feeling it, so I ended up going with some other friends to a restaurant on the River Walk for some food and drinks.  BTW, watermelon margaritas are AMAZING.

That night, we all ended up on the roof of the hotel.  The 10th floor had a party space/balcony that any guest it allowed to use.  It was cold so eventually, I ended up inside with a friend and had a heart to heart with her.  She asked me if I liked the boy, and I just spilled.  She thought it was super cute and is now convinced we're the perfect couple.  I didn't want to argue.  :)

Day 5, Saturday - It was our last day at TMEA and I was sad it was all over.  

Brum wanted us to meet in the lobby of the hotel for a last meeting and then we were free to roam until 1:30 when the busses would roll.  She was our mom on this trip (sometimes we even called her "Mom.") so that day was no exception.  She made sure everyone had checked out and put our bags in their designated area.  She'd had a list of the people who weren't checked out yet- one person.  Some guy from choir hadn't not only checked out but hadn't shown up all night.  People started to freak when we'd waited longer than 30 min.  His roommate even started crying.  Brum sent out another boy to the bars around to ask if they'd seen him.  One of the missing boy's friends said they had heard he met a guy at a bar and went to his house. They hadn't heard from him since and his phone was dead when they'd tried calling.  Literally 5 minutes after people started freaking, he waltzed into the hotel lobby with a huge smile on his face.  The boy tells Brum that he showed up and she called him over.  To say she had a classic mom moment is an understatement.  I'd never seen her talk to anyone like that before, she completely chewed him out in front of the whole choir and anyone else in the lobby.  Once that was over, she took a deep breath and said goodbye to everyone.  She wasn't going home with us, but flying to Dallas to see her grand baby.  She hugged me goodbye, as she did with a few other people, including the boy, who held the hug for a little longer than everyone else.  When they pulled away, they were both teary-eyed.  Later, he said that she said she was sad that it had been their last trip together.  :(

As we left the lobby to go find lunch and visit the TMEA exhibits, I suddenly felt all the emotions from over the course of the week and the stress of everything come over me at once and I couldn't help but tear up.  Then I thought about the talk I'd had the night before about the boy, and how I still hadn't/haven't told him and I got more emotional.  I got to the point where I was embarrassed to be seen sobbing lightly around my friends and the boy and I stopped walking.  Ana noticed and stopped everyone.  I could't and didn't want to explain everything to her then and there, so I told her I'd explain later but then the boy came over and with the most concerned look in his eyes (I think this was the first time he'd seen me cry), he asked me what was wrong.  I said "nothing" but he didn't believe me.  Smart boy.  It would've been an amazing moment to tell him, but we were literally on a street and around people I'm not really close to.  

The rest of the day went on, kind of boring-ly.  We were all sad to leave and get back to reality.  The boy had to get back to work, I had to write a 10 page paper, etc.

Looking back, I know I'll never forget this experience.  It was seriously one of the best moments of my life, standing up in front of thousands of fellow musicians and being applauded for hard work well done.  I feel like I grew up a little on this trip, having to look out for myself and my sister and not being afraid to show emotion... to a certain extent.  I'd never been so grateful to be in such an amazing organization.

Keren